She should shop for a family therapist whose style she can buy into

Dear Beth:

I am divorced with two kids and have nasty former in-laws. I am a bit disillusioned with ``counselors." My ex-husband has seen a ``therapist" for more than two years, and I believe that this ``therapist" has been a big influence in his filing for divorce. We saw a marriage counselor for almost two years, and, well, you can see that didn't work out. My 7-year-old daughter has been seeing a therapist for a year, and the therapist's comments are always, ``She is doing fine." I saw a counselor to deal with the pain over my husband's filing for divorce. I felt that I was always the one talking and wished he gave me more advice. I have lots of friends and family with whom I can talk about my feelings. But they can't give me professional advice on what to say or do in certain situations. How can I learn about what types of counselors are available, and how do I find one who can help me? It's unlikely that my ex-husband, his parents , and I can sit down together (with or without a therapist) and work things out, but it would be great to have some help in making things run smoother.

C

Although you and your ex-husband and his family may not be able to sit down together, a family therapist would be best trained to help you and your daughter. The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT) has an online therapist locator of its members, (www.therapistlocator.net/TherapistLocator/index.asp ), who must meet training and education requirements. You could also look at Psychology Today's website: www.psychologytoday.com/topics/therapy.php , for a description of different types of therapy.

I forwarded your question to family therapist Alexa Bresnan, MSW, LICSW, from Newton, who gives this good advice:

You are absolutely right when you say people in need of therapy require more than sympathetic listening and their therapist should be impartial, unlike family and friends who have already formed opinions and want to protect you. Finding a therapist who you want to work with will require some careful research on your part. The most reliable way to start is to ask friends and co-workers if they know of people who have been satisfied or very pleased with their therapy experience. There is nothing as good as a reference that comes from personal experience, so ask as many times as you need to.

It's important to think of yourself as a thoughtful consumer. When you get names of two or three therapists, schedule interview appointments with them, and come prepared with a list of questions about their theory and style of therapy, how they measure success, and what methods they use. Don't be afraid to tell them that you're being cautious because of prior experience and that because you want to find a good fit with a therapist, you are interviewing several right now.

An experienced therapist will usually start by asking you why you're coming, and what you believe is the most pressing issue you're dealing with now. Second, the therapist will probably want to know some of your background to put this in context, such as your own child rearing, and more about your other relationships. The therapist will then propose some treatment goals and how to go about achieving them, and check in with you as you proceed to be sure this meets your needs. This style may be more effective for you than a quiet, more passive approach.

Don't settle for anyone until you feel confident about working with him or her. Good luck in your search.

Beth can be reached at askbeth@globe.com.

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