A sibling rivalry out of control
Dear Beth:
I'm 14 and have a younger sister who is so spoiled and gets everything from our parents and then tries to make me jealous. I get mad and usually take it out on her. I hit her and then hate myself for doing this. We play fistfights and they can get serious.
WHAT SHOULD I DO?
This is frightening for you and probably for her, too. I respect your maturity for wanting to do the right thing. You must stop hitting your sister. Don't even play at having a fistfight. You are not able to control yourself once you start, so control yourself before by just not doing it. Avoid the situations that make you particularly angry with her. If you do get angry, walk away until you've cooled down. When you're not mad at each other, tell her your concerns about hurting her and ask her how you can get along better. Ask your parents to help, too, if you think they will. If not, find an adult you do trust to help mediate when you get really angry at your sister.
Jealousy between siblings is normal and often not something that parents can stop. But they can and should teach their kids that even if they don't like each other it's not OK to hit or use physical force. They need to do this when it first starts happening, usually when their kids are quite young. Your parents should have helped you learn that hitting your sister was off limits. Now, you must do it for yourself.
You express well how frightening it is to not be able to control your anger. Recognizing your concerns and being able to talk about them are real strengths that will help you to change this with your sister. Reach out to a relative, family friend, or the school counselor to get some help.
Dear Beth:
When my father died I helped my mother file for veterans benefits with a copy of their marriage certificate. I was shocked to see "divorced" on it because neither of them had ever mentioned that my father was married before. My mother said it was a short marriage during the service, which ended after three months. I'm glad she explained. It's best not to keep any secrets from children. My sister still doesn't know. My family has always had a lot of problems. This just added to the secrets, lies, and hardships we went through that never made any sense.
Just writing this letter makes me feel better, and if it helps someone else I'll be grateful.
THANKS FOR LISTENING
Thanks for telling. I agree. It's almost always best not to keep secrets in a family. When you find out a family secret you feel betrayed -- as if you never knew the person you were so close to. If something isn't appropriate for young children, say "It's complicated and I'll tell you more about it when you're older."
Beth can be reached at askbeth@globe.com.
Send letters to Ask Beth, The Boston Globe, PO Box 55819, Boston MA 02205-5819. Questions can be answered only through this column. Ask Beth is a registered trademark of Globe Newspaper Co.
