She's confused by her attraction to girls
Dear Beth:
I am a 14-year-old girl and I am attracted to a friend when she dresses sexy. I like a few boys but I prefer to look at girls. Is that weird? I don't think I'm gay but I'm confused.
AM I NORMAL?
Yes, you are a normal, healthy, young person who is responding to a sexual stimulus. There is nothing wrong with you. Many, if not most, people feel some kind of sexual attraction to the same sex, whether or not they are homosexual, if they are honest about their feelings: "She looks sexy in that shirt. I like looking at her," or "I feel good when we hug." We are sexual beings and we cannot censor our attractions. The very notion of sex, whether seeing a friend who is being sexy or seeing it in the movies, can be erotic.
We are complicated sexual beings who respond differently in different situations and at different times during our lives. Sexual feelings and attractions do not always neatly fit into simple compartments. This can be particularly troubling to young people who are experiencing strong sexual feelings they aren't used to yet, and trying to see what it means about who they are. It takes time for young people to become more acquainted with and accept their own individual sexual responses.
Everyone is different. I like to think of sexual responses and orientation as falling along a continuum. Most people are heterosexual. Many of us are attracted to or even fantasize about someone of the same sex. Some act on these attractions and have a few bisexual experiences but remain basically heterosexual, while some continue to be bisexual. Going along the continuum, some discover over time that they are homosexual, often after a few heterosexual relationships, while others know they are homosexual at an early age and feel no attraction to the opposite sex. A person's sexual orientation might be clear to him or her early on or it may emerge or change over time.
What does this mean for you? You are OK whatever you feel. Worries about being attracted to both genders usually stem from the fact that prejudice and misconceptions about homosexuality and bisexuality continue in our society. Learn more about yourself. Write your dreams and fantasies down in a journal and explore what they mean to you through writing. If you're nervous about what you'll discover, remember you can feel what you feel and never act on it. You'll be more comfortable if you take time to examine and understand your feelings better. Then you'll know what you want to do.
If your confusion continues to trouble you, talk with a counselor. Be sure to find someone who will not push you in any direction but will allow you to explore your feelings without judgment.
Although there has been great progress, there are still those who find it difficult to accept homosexuality. For young people who think they might be gay, the Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Transgender National Hotline, 888-843-4564 or glnh.org/hotline , provides confidential peer counseling about issues such as questioning sexual orientation, coming out, relationship concerns and safer-sex information, and makes referrals to local support services.
Beth can be reached at askbeth@globe.com.
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