Mr. Fussy is feeling very sleepy
All the fascinating news about sleep! It has been keeping Mr. Fussy awake at night.
First, the government of France announced that its citizens, doubtless fatigued by the rigors of the 35-hour workweek, needed more rest. The country's health ministry explained that 56 percent of the population blamed their poor job performance on inadequate sleep. The ministry is promoting naps and has even issued a "Sleep Passport," which you can download from its website.
Mr. Fussy plans to apply for a permanent visa.
After the country that gave us the "Napoleonic gift" -- the ability to nap anytime, anywhere -- weighed in on sleep, could The World's Greatest University be far behind? Mais, non! Harvard's renowned School of Public Health -- yes, the same geniuses who discovered that drivers who carry guns in their cars are more prone to violent, aggressive behavior than drivers who don't carry guns -- recently reported that napping is good for your heart.
Mr. Fussy noted with some interest that the Harvard study analyzed the health of 23,681 Greeks. Are those the people who operate all those tasty, hole-in-the-wall restaurants on the Somerville line? Who knew there were so many of them. No wait; these were real Greeks, recruited by the University of Athens Medical School. The ones who napped more than three times a week had a 37 percent lower coronary mortality than non-siesta-takers.
Napping needs no promoting chez M. Fussy . At the Fussys, sleeping is regarded as an extra-salubrious activity, a reasonable substitute for exercise or re-reading the essays of Ralph Waldo Emerson. In many American households, Mr. Fussy has learned, sleep is deemed to be a reasonable substitute for sex. "Sleep is the new sex," psychologist Arthur J. Spielman, a New York sleep disorders expert, told Forbes magazine. "People want it, need it, can't get enough of it."
Mon Dieu! Wait until the French hear about this. Can the 25-hour workweek be far behind? If sleep is the new sex, opines Mr. Fussy, then he has certainly been getting plenty of it, and sometimes as often as three times a day. Not since Squash magazine -- the sport, not the vegetable -- reported that "Egypt is the new Pakistan" where squash is concerned has such important news penetrated the Fussy consciousness.
One curious facet of the sleep-as-sex phenomenon is that everyone seems to be doing it alone. Last month, the National Association of Home Builders predicted that more than 60 percent of custom-built houses would have dual -- as in separate -- master bedrooms by 2015. Apartness is the new togetherness!
Just this week, The
Mr. Fussy once interviewed a Californian who so enjoyed squash that he had a court in his home and a second one in his ski chalet at Lake Tahoe. Reckless consumption is the new poverty. Something like that.
The academy never sleeps! Only now has Mr. Fussy learned of the disturbing syndrome sexsomnia, also known as SBS, or sexual behavior in sleep. During SBS, the sexsomniac forces him or herself on the partner, while both are slumbering. "There's no cure for the condition," the New Scientist ominously reports, "which often leads to difficulties in relationships."
The world's greatest SBS expert, Michael Mangan , plies his trade at the University of New Hampshire, and operates the website, sleepsex.org. He's appeared on Fox TV and the " Dr. Keith Ablow " show, so you can rest assured that his medical credentials are sound. While Mangan's site acknowledges that the American Academy of Sleep Medicine's diagnostic manual does not include SBS as a specific sleep disorder, it has been mentioned in Cosmopolitan, Redbook, and Details.
Cosmopolitan; it's the new JAMA (Journal of the American Medical Association). Wake up and smell the idiocy.
Alex Beam is a Globe columnist. His e-dress is beam@globe.com. 