Gay people, give me back my stuff!

By Alex Beam, Globe Columnist  |  April 18, 2007

Omigod, my cars are so gay!

I discovered this last week, when the all-knowing New York Times Styles section revealed that Subarus are casually known as "Lesbarus." And indeed, there is my station wagon on about.com's list of "Top 10 Gay Cars " : "The Outback is a long-running lesbian champion," the website reports.

Yikes. I bought my second-hand Subaru about a year ago from a Norwegian gentleman in New Hampshire. I've known him and his wonderful family for many years. In fact, I married one of his daughters. And now I learn this. The things one never knows. . .

I bought my Toyota Prius in 2003, around the time that late-to-the-party environmentalists were junking their internal combustion clunkers for hybrid technology. Just recently I saw an episode of "Weeds," in which pot-dealing suburban supermom Mary-Louise Parker trades in her SUV for a new Prius. When she pulls into her driveway, expecting green props, her temperamental son greets her with the words:

"Oh, Mom. That's so gay."

So here's my question: Is there any element of contemporary culture that hasn't been appropriated by gays? Or, phrased another way: Hey, gay people! Give me my stuff back, OK?

First they came for Judy Garland, and I understood that. She was a beautiful talent, and, like gay men and women in the day, she was perceived to be a victim of societal oppression, corruption, and indifference. Then gay people claimed Dinah Shore, and Gloria Gaynor's "I Will Survive," and , of course , ABBA. That still didn't bother me much, although it's hard not to sway your hips just a little when you hear "Dancing Queen" in the supermarket aisle.

I remember when gays took over Parliament cigarettes, which had that ridiculous, one-quarter - inch recessed filter. Then mentholated Newports. No loss there. Then Larks -- my brand! -- became a gay cigarette. That's when I stopped smoking.

Yes, I know that Superman, suitor to Lois Lane and the hero of my youth, has become a gay icon. You have to admit that wearing your underwear outside your pants is going to attract a certain kind of attention. But St. Sebastian? The always-reliable online encyclopedia Wikipedia comments: "The earliest gay icon was St. Sebastian. The combination of his strong, shirtless physique, the symbolism of the arrows penetrating his body, and the look on his face of rapturous pain have intrigued artists both gay and straight for centuries, and began the first explicitly gay cult in the 19th century."

Ah yes. "Brideshead Revisited" ; Sebastian Flyte and the teddy bears. I should have figured this one out.

I did know that Smith College went the way of women's tennis about a quarter century ago, and that Yale is now known as the "Gay Ivy." As my friend, writer Colin McEnroe (Yale, '76, not that there is anything wrong with that) has observed, being gay is practically a higher life form. "I wouldn't mind being gay," Colin opined in Men's Health a while back. "Nice clothes, swell taste, Sondheim around the piano, Wildean repartee -- seems fine. I already have one Jack Russell terrier. As a gay guy, I would probably need two."

Is my dog gay? Probably. I don't want to know.

Clothing has become a minefield. Those dippy, slip-on Merrells , which I wear all the time, are very gay. I don't own a camel's hair coat, but I'd like to. Very gay, as the Times' Styles section will surely reveal in the near future. And unless you're trying out for the swim team, fellas, don't even think about wearing a Speedo.

I wrote a whole column about the movie "300" without stating the obvious: tres gai . I see that gay people have embraced the Oliver Stone bowser , "Alexander," about Alexander the Great, and "Troy," which featured Brad Pitt in a singlet. At least someone appreciates the classics.

As an experiment, I tried to make a list of things that were not gay, and probably would not become gay in the foreseeable future: NASCAR; "24 "; Tom Menino; the Russian Federal Security Service; the National Football League. It's not that long a list.

Yes, gay people took that lovely word -- my Oxford English Dictionary naively lists "homosexual" as definition number 10 -- and the rainbow, which was briefly a symbol for diversity before it went gay. Then they over reached, and went for marriage.

Ha! Fooled you, my friends. It's all yours now, and as far as I am concerned, there is no need to give it back.

Alex Beam is a Globe columnist. His e-dress is beam@globe.com.