It's a rebrand-new world

BU president Bob Brown is test-driving the slogan "Boston's University" for his sprawling institution of higher learning. The new moniker may be the centerpiece of a campaign to rebrand what Brown's predecessor called, none too convincingly, "the third great university on the Charles."

"Boston's University" makes some sense. It removes two of BU's outsized competitors -- Cambridge-based Harvard and MIT -- from the mix entirely. Boston College, its name notwithstanding, huddles in the shady groves of Newton. Both US News & World Report and Washington Monthly rank BU well above Northeastern University, the only other claimant for the title. So "Boston's University" it is.

Everyone is rebranding. While you read this, one of the most expensive, complex , and ridiculous rebranding campaigns in corporate history is taking place. Three years ago, Cingular acquired AT&T Wireless and dropped the AT&T name. For reasons too absurd to explain, Cingular Wireless is now being renamed AT&T Wireless. The investment bankers who keep selling pieces of Cingular and AT&T back and forth to each other are making lots of money, and so are the "branding" experts.

As for us? We're just confused. I use Verizon, which should probably be commended for not having changed its name in the last 20 minutes.

Boston Scientific just rebranded its troubled Guidant brand of heart devices out of existence. Healthone Care System has rebranded itself Atrius Health because of a name conflict with a Denver hospital network. Citigroup, Delta Air Lines, and even the Iraq war are all said to be in various stages of rebranding. (May I suggest "Shock and Withdraw" as a new slogan?) TV's Channel 4 here spent a bunch of money rebranding itself CBS4 in 2002. Now they've spent a bunch of money to go back to the old name, WBZ. Who knows what tomorrow will bring?

Just last week, The New York Times reported that Laurel Hill Cemetery in Philadelphia was one of "a growing number of historic cemeteries to rebrand themselves as destination necropolises for weekend tourists." Billing themselves as "underground museums," cemeteries are serving up such diversions as dog parades, brunches with star chefs, and Halloween parties in the crematory. I can't say I'm tempted to take in these shows just now. Something tells me I may be dropping in at a later date.

Cape Cod's gay mecca, Provincetown, has dipped its toe in the rebranding pool. P-town "has hired a Boston public relations firm, Focus Communications, to contact travel writers about a rebranded Provincetown," the Globe reported. "One where the Pilgrims landed before sailing on to Plymouth, where pirates and writers lived, and where pristine beaches and sand dunes add up to spectacular natural beauty."

What? No mention of Bear Week (a bear is a gay man who eschews shaving or waxing body hair), Mates Leather Weekend, or the 21st Annual Golden Threads Celebration for Older Lesbians? We wouldn't want visitors to get the wrong impression, would we?

I have saved the greatest rebranding for last, one involving almost four million square miles. Canada, the world's second largest nation, has launched a $10 million "Canada: Keep Exploring" promotion campaign to convince Americans that Snow Mexico isn't boring and stodgy, but cutting-edge, upscale, and hip.

The Wall Street Journal says one ad soon to land in Boston and elsewhere hypes "tony outdoor digs on Vancouver Island accompanied by the caption ' Is sipping 40-year-old brandy in a luxury tent still considered roughing it?' " My proposed caption would attract a lot more Yankee turistas: "The Pot Capital of North America -- Just Minutes Away." I'm still fuming that the newspaper didn't send me to cover Vancouver's Global Marijuana March ("Think Global, Smoke Local"), which took place earlier this month.

The country's rebranding follows hot on the heels of Canada's frantic search for an animal mascot to represent the 2010 Winter Olympics in Vancouver. ("Ski Global, Smoke Local.") Prime minister Stephen Harper and others have championed the wolverine, a vicious smelly little animal sometimes known as "the skunk bear." It is unlikely they will choose the Canada goose, best known in these parts for its prodigious excretory functions.

Our northern neighbors are apparently tiring of their national symbol, the diligent beaver, which, novelist Margaret Atwood once observed, sometime chews off its own testicles when pursued. Maybe they'll go with the bear. I doubt the Provincetown definition has migrated across the 49th parallel quite yet.

Alex Beam is a Globe columnist. His e-dress is beam@globe.com.