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ALEX BEAM

Just the facts -- and they're always right

The Boston Globe: A newspaper/Communist front organization, long known as "Pravda on the Charles." [See: New York Times; "Izvestiya on the Hudson."] Mouthpiece for Senators Ted Kennedy, Jean Kerry, and Godless Harvard. Pro-abortion; pro-gay marriage; pro-gun control. Featured writers: Jeff Jacoby, others.

No, we don't yet rate our own entry in Conservapedia, the online encyclopedia for right-leaning wing nuts. But I'd like to think that when the editors do include us, they will keep my humble submission in mind.

Conservapedia is just like Wikipedia, except that its 11,000 entries read like they were personally vetted by Pat Robertson and the 700 Club. Fed up with Wikipedia's purported liberal bias, Conservapedia's founder, Andrew Schlafly, son of conservative activist Phyllis Schlafly, has created "an encyclopedia you can trust."

And you can trust them, to give you some pretty loopy definitions. Their entry on kangaroos, for instance, says that, "like all modern animals . . . kangaroos are the descendants of the two founding members of the modern kangaroo baramin that were taken aboard Noah's Ark prior to the Great Flood."

You may not recognize the word "baramin." It's a 20th-century creationist neologism that refers to the species God placed on earth during Creation Week. Special for kids: I wouldn't use that word on the biology final. Although maybe your parents could sue the local school board for failing to teach the Book of Genesis in science class.

More on Conserva-kangaroos: "After the Flood, these kangaroos bred from the Ark passengers migrated to Australia. There is debate whether this migration happened over land with lower sea levels during the post-flood ice age, or before the supercontinent of Pangea broke apart, or if they rafted on mats of vegetation torn up by the receding flood waters."

Who knew?

Conservapedia epitomizes modern Americans' penchant for seeking out congenial realities, known as "cocooning." Just last week, the Creation Museum, derided as "the creationist Disneyland," opened its doors in Petersburg, Ky. The museum aims to illustrate the scientific underpinnings of the Bible. "This is nonsense," theoretical physicist Lawrence M. Krauss told The Washington Post. "It's fine for people to believe whatever they want. What's inappropriate is to then essentially lie and say science supports these notions."

The yahoos aren't the only ones who hear what they want to hear and disregard the rest. The liberal intelligentsia can't understand why the rest of the country doesn't think it's a swell idea to trade in their pickup trucks for prissy little Japanese Priuses, or why anyone would shop at a neo-Nazi conglomerate like Wal-Mart. Perish the thought they should walk into a Wal-Mart store and find out what's on sale there. Good stuff, cheap.

But until Leftopedia comes along ( sample entry: "Al Gore: the Messiah, rejected by mankind in 2000 and again in 2008") I have only Conservapedia to kick around. Here's its index of homosexuality entries, which do not betoken a broad-minded view of men and women at ease with their sexual identities:

1 Old Testament 2 New Testament (Epistles) 3 Promiscuity and disease 4 Homosexuality and Mental Health 5 Modern justifications 6 Judicial activism 7 Homosexuality and Marriage 8 Homosexuality and Animals 9 Homosexuality and Creationism and the Theory of Evolution 10 Reparative Therapy

Without identifying him, Conservapedia quotes the author of "A Parent's Guide to Preventing Homosexuality" to the effect that "there is no such thing as a homosexual, but only heterosexuals that have a homosexual problem." Color me a heterosexual who has a Conservapedia problem.

Here is an odd, truthful sentence in the Conserva-entry for Ann Coulter: "Her incoherent books and vitriolic speaking style have endeared her to fans and infuriated opponents." Even the broken clock of conservative nuttery tells the correct time now and then.

I've just posted a new Summer Hate Mail podcast, and it's a feast for the ears. Australian-born reporter Yvonne Abraham reads critiques from female readers, and movie critic Ty Burr channels Lionel Barrymore while reading a letter from a reader who complains that our hate mail just isn't hateful enough. At boston.com/news/podcasts, and on iTunes.

Alex Beam is a Globe columnist. His e-dress is beam@globe.com

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