No place to hide from list-mania
Yes, I keep a list of Inane Lists.
They are everywhere. Outside magazine, for instance, publishes a "Where to Live Now" list. Where to live? Burlington, Vt., described as an "epicenter of righteous living." I think they mean self-righteous living. Fair trade coffee, sweatshop-free sneakers from Jakarta. Ugh.
I'd rather live in Lowell. Why Lowell? It made the latest list of "1000 Places to See Before You Die," ample evidence of the thinning of this bloodline.
The AARP promotes "50 Things You Must Know by 50," including how to ask for the bathroom in Swahili. Newsweek published an even sillier list, "181 Things You Need to Know Now." Newsweek thinks you need to know that carbon dioxide levels are rising in the atmosphere, and that a lot of people don't have access to clean drinking water. Welcome to the 21st century, Newsweek readers.
The bogusest of all bogus lists are the Best Places to Live rankings. For instance, Money magazine said Hanover, N.H., was the second-best place to live in the whole country. But the local newspaper, the Valley News, learned that Hanover's trendy diversity data and preponderance of single men and women resulted from some statistical sleight-of-hand: "In making its profile, the magazine tapped US Census data not for the entire town, but only the southwest corner - the area around Dartmouth College."
A Kansas-based company called Morgan Quinto declared New Hampshire to be America's Most Livable State, which it is, as long as you can afford to educate your children somewhere else. MQ also publishes those inane "safest city" ratings, which Newton sometimes wins. This year the self-styled Garden City came in fourth, losing the top spot to a place called Brick, N.J. I guess the Morgan Quinto people learned about Newton's ferocious, marauding coyotes.
College rankings are always in the news. I was surprised to read in the BU student newspaper that "Boston University has been usurped by Boston College in a ranking of the nation's 'fittest colleges,' falling from No. 3 ranking awarded last year after the opening of the Fitness and Recreation Center." BU went from third in 2005 to not mentioned in the latest annual Men's Fitness magazine list, which might be a tip-off that the ranking is bogus.
For the record, BC also smoked BU in CollegeHumor.com's annual "Sex, Drugs, and Rock 'n' Roll rankings." The Eagles made the grade with such party powerhouses as UMass (No. 6), Michigan State (No. 1), and just about every college and university below the Mason-Dixon line.
The lonelyhearts website OkCupid has listed the kinkiest and loneliest states in the union. The kinkiest women live in New York (duh!) and the kinkiest men live in Worcester. Just kidding! According to the website, they live in Florida.
Cooking Light magazine (does this cover nutrition, or kitchen illumination?) recently announced that Boston had placed sixth in their idiotic "Healthiest Cities" survey, based on "residents' access to nutritious food and opportunities for maintaining optimum physical health and well-being." We finished behind the usual granola-heads: Seattle, Portland (Oregon), San Francisco, blah blah blah.
I keep my own Inane Lists. For instance, I have a list of the books I meant to hype this summer. There are three left: David Corbett's excellent "Blood of Paradise" is one. The reviewers said it was too talky, but it was just talky enough. I also wanted to mention Jonathan Way's new book, "Suburban Howls: Tracking the Eastern Coyote in Urban Massachusetts." How come the coyotes don't gobble up the [expletive] Canada geese? I asked Way. He said the coyotes are generally too shy to enter the populous area where the geese tend to congregate.
I loved a book called "Celebrate Around the Calendar," compiled by Bedford engineer Lester Macklin. It includes both notable dates - today is Independence Day in Qatar - coupled with apropos recipes. Tomorrow is Chicago architect Daniel Burnham's birthday, and Macklin includes what looks like a delicious recipe for cheddar cheese soup that you probably won't find in Cooking Light.
Oprah Winfrey's magazine, O, published a list of "21 Things You Can Stop Worrying About Right Now." Here's my contribution: You can stop worrying about reading this column. It's over. Happy Labor Day.
Alex Beam is a Globe columnist. His e-dress is beam@globe.com. 