Nothing is sacred as Colbert reports on the foibles of Americans
Comedian Stephen Colbert, the smarmy, egomaniacal host of Comedy Central's "The Colbert Report," has written this amusing book because "it takes more than thirty minutes a night to fix everything that's destroying America." Colbert's trademark style (a comic homage to Fox TV's bullying Bill O'Reilly) is to sardonically trumpet his likes and dislikes. In his chapter on "coddled" seniors, for instance, Colbert announces: "the elderly are like rude party guests. They came early, they're always in the bathroom, and now they just won't leave. I say we . . . put them to work."
Colbert targets broad swaths of American culture, offering 14 entertaining chapters that discuss the family, sports, Hollywood, the media, race, science, higher education, and more. He even provides dating advice, telling women "if you go out to dinner, let him pay . . . offering to pay makes you look like you've got money to burn. Before you know it, he'll be hitting you up for loans and asking to borrow your car." Colbert tells men who date, "don't do all the talking. It's rude. Do two-thirds of the talking. That's why I keep a chess clock in my jacket pocket." Colbert even sets up an online dating service catering to three categories of singles: "Male Seeking Female," "Female Seeking Male," and "Other (seeking Eternal Hellfire)."
Some of Colbert's funniest opinions are reserved for the "liberal" media. He condemns The
Colbert also aims his heavy artillery at Hollywood liberals, saving his best vitriol for stars like Sean Penn and Barbra Streisand who "are constantly whining about injustice, chaining themselves to redwoods, bad-mouthing our president," and more. He offers Hollywood a little unsolicited advice. "Your job is to distract us from the horrors of the world, not to call our attention to them!" College professors too are advised to shut their question-asking traps. Colbert pages through a college catalog and translates what these classes really teach. As for "Literature and Culture," Colbert explains "neither one will save you from a terrorist attack." Colbert helpfully sums up the course "Comparative Religion" as "Jesus wins."
In his not-so-sacred chapter on religion, the Irish-Catholic Colbert criticizes Baptists for singing and dancing: "I prefer my Gospel monotonously droned from a pulpit, thank you very much." He writes of Protestantism: "we get it, Protestants. You've had your 490-year 'protest' - let's move on." Explaining the power of paralyzing "Catholic guilt," Colbert advises Jews to "[q]uit trying to steal our spot as guiltiest religion."
Even when Colbert tries his best to sound politically correct, he can't quite pull it off: "I'm perfectly fine with someone choosing to be gay," he writes, "as long as he marries a woman and has kids like the rest of us." In a chapter about race in America, Colbert claims "we're all the same. Unfortunately, not everyone sees that. They get too hung up on little things like 'appearance' and 'history' and 'cultural identity.' " Colbert may be the funniest man in America. That his biting wit may make us think deeper about our society is just one of this book's manifold charms.
I Am America (And So Can You)
By Stephen Colbert
Grand Central Publishing, 230 pp.,
$26.99
Chuck Leddy is a freelance writer who lives in Dorchester. 