When Friends Falsify Resumes and Bring Uninvited Guests to Weddings

I went to school at night for years to get my bachelor's degree and am very proud of my accomplishment. One night recently, a dear friend told me she also has on her resume that she has a bachelor's degree, even though she only finished high school. I was surprised, and her reply was: "No one ever checks." Am I overreacting to upset by this?
D.S. /// Malden

How can I say this? All right, let me put it this way: No, you're not bloody well overreacting! What a rotten thing to do!

Your friend's behavior is unfair to potential employers, who have the right to know the genuine qualifications of those they are interviewing or hiring. It is unfair to those of us who are honest on our resumes, because we then have to compete in a rigged contest. It is also deeply disrespectful, as you are painfully aware, of people's real and hard-earned accomplishments. And in a small way, her dishonesty perpetuates bias against the non-college-educated. If your friend is capable and well-spoken, as I imagine she is, she could challenge people's preconceptions about those who don't have college degrees. It's a shame not to take that opportunity.

But while your friend's behavior is reprehensible, her intentions may not be all that bad. It is possible that she never really thought through the implications of what she is doing. We live in a complicated world, with dozens of ethical choices thrown at us every day. This can lead to good people doing bad things simply because they never really paid attention to the issue. When asked to resolve moral dilemmas, children often make their call based on whether or not a particular act would be punished. If you can get away with it, they assume, it must be acceptable. For whatever reason, your friend is using little-kid reasoning about lying on her resume. See if you can persuade her to grow up.

And if you can't, then you may have a moral dilemma of your own someday if you should ever know that she is applying for a particular job with her falsified resume. I hope for your sake this never happens.

A longtime friend has a habit of substituting her adult son for her male companion if an invitation comes to her and her companion cannot attend, which is likely. She informs hosts of this change when she responds. While we know her son slightly, we would not feel comfortable having him at our small upcoming second marriage ceremony. This guest will know many others present. If she attempts to swap invites for the day, what can we say?
L.D. /// Watertown

It depends on how well you've laid your groundwork. How was your invitation addressed? Was it to Ms. Jocasta and Guest or Ms. Jocasta and Mr. Specific Male Companion? If the invitation did not specify the guest, then you cannot say anything, because the invitee can decide for herself whom to bring. If you did name her companion on your invitation, and she asks if she can bring her son instead, you are within your rights to say that you would prefer to celebrate your wedding only with people whom you know well. "Within your rights," of course, guarantees nothing in the real world. Your friend may be amenable to your request, or she may be of the opinion that any good friend of hers is a good friend of Oedipus's, and consider it an insult. This is a risk only you can assess.

Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a Cambridge-based writer with a PhD in psychology.