Talking to Strangers
The most important safety advice for children is to avoid those they don't know, right? Not so fast.
I was walking my dog the other morning when a girl about 6 years old with a shiny pink backpack came skipping down her driveway on her way to the bus stop across the street. She approached me on the road and asked about my black Labrador retriever mix. I adore children who are curious about pets, so I stopped and answered her questions.
Seconds later, her father appeared on their porch, about 50 yards from the street.
"Who the hell are you?" he yelled at me.
"I am a neighbor," I replied, a little flustered by his tone. "I live down the street."
"Don't you think it is funny to be talking to little girls?" he asked.
"Excuse me?" I didn't know what he was getting at. Then, it hit me.
"Get the hell out of here," he said. I pulled my dog close, averted my eyes, and scurried down the street. Unfortunately, every word of this unpleasant exchange happened in front of the girl.
Until that moment, I had never thought of myself as a stranger, as one of those people to whom children shouldn't speak. I'm an outgoing, upstanding guy. My wife and I moved into our home in Mashpee last spring, and a couple months later I joined the board of our neighborhood association. I have yet to meet all my neighbors, but whenever I'm out walking the dog, I say "Hi" to anyone I pass.
But to this father, none of this mattered. I was simply a stranger talking to his little girl. After replaying the incident in my head, I now think I should have walked over to the father and introduced myself. As a neighbor he knows, maybe he'd think of me as a good defense against someone who would want to harm his daughter. Maybe he would have felt better about me walking the streets with my Lab.
Nancy McBride, the national safety director for the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children in Alexandria, Virginia, tells me that Dad was not far off in eyeing me suspiciously. "We know that, statistically, an overwhelming majority of offenders are male and a lot of them use a benign approach" to abduct children, she says. "The dog, for instance, is the oldest trick in the book." Citing a 2002 guide for parents, she adds that about two-thirds of the children abducted by someone other than a family member are girls.
But it's worth noting that, according to the center, abductions by strangers are the exception. Even in non-family abductions, most victims are snatched by someone they know—and that's why a familiar parental admonition is out of date. The organization urges parents not to repeat the age-old "stranger danger" message. Children just don't grasp the concept. The term "stranger" makes them imagine a shifty-eyed loner who is ugly or mean, not that cunning and opportunistic offender who appears friendly in order to disguise bad intentions. And children who only hear the stranger warnings don't realize that acquaintances can also cause harm. The center points out that lost children may even evade rescuers, thinking they're strangers to be avoided (as occurred last June, when an 11-year-old boy wandered the Utah wilderness for four days, hiding whenever would-be rescuers came near).
Parents should trade in the "stranger-danger" message for a more nuanced approach. According to McBride, children need to be taught to recognize dangerous situations—not people—and, when in danger, search out reliable people, such as a salesclerk with a name tag or another mother with children. And the organization stresses that parents shouldn't drum fear into their children and should instead focus on building confidence. I have sympathy for that father in my neighborhood. Although I think he shouldn't have harangued me in front of his daughter, it's easier to give parenting advice than to do the right thing. 