Who should Pitch In for a Kaffeeklatsch Cleanup?

I belong to a group of mothers and their babies and toddlers who meet at a different member's home each week for two hours. The hostess generally supplies coffee and some breakfast food. One of the mothers recently suggested that we help the hostess clean up before we leave. I'm not sure I agree with this, since we all take turns hosting and the cleaning required is minimal. I don't want guests in my home to feel obliged to pitch in, especially when they have small children to look after. What do you think?
C.K. /// Weymouth

I would feel as you do. Not only would I not want guests to feel obligated, but I could clean up my kitchen far more quickly and thoroughly on my own than I could with a gaggle of "helpers," all of whom had small children attached to their hips or legs. But I think you and I are looking at this from an engineering-and-efficiency perspective. And the woman who suggested helping was probably looking at the issue from an interpersonal perspective - not what would be easiest, but what would be "nicest." Which means that if you disagree with her, you may wind up looking like someone who just doesn't want to pitch in and do her share. (We engineers are often misunderstood, when all we really want to do is help.)

I don't see why the group has to have a set rule for everyone, though. Why can't it be the hostess's choice whether guests help with the cleanup or not? That way, those who like the help or enjoy keeping the party going just a little longer can have their preference, and those who would savor the uninvaded sanctity of their own kitchens can have theirs.

A friend lives in an assisted living facility and has nursing aides around the clock. On a recent visit, I noticed that one of the aides was suffering from a cold, and I feared that she could spread her illness to the residents. My friend is a worrier, so I don't want to say too much to her, and I do not feel comfortable saying something to the aide. I want to call the company that provides the aides and ask that they not send sick people to care for my vulnerable friend. Is this unreasonable?
J.M. /// Milton

It's entirely reasonable and a good thing to do. I think it is better not to worry your friend, at least for now. But I think you should try to talk to the aide first. Why did she feel it necessary to come in if she was sick? Perhaps the company doesn't treat its employees terribly well - the caretaking professions are often exploited - and she may not have enough sick time or may have been pressured by a supervisor to come in. Try to suss this situation out a little bit. It doesn't have to be an uncomfortable conversation, because there's no need to be all Columbo about it. Just ask if she's over her cold, was it very bad, did she have to come in every day - the kind of ordinary sympathetic chitchat people make over minor illnesses. Then you'll have a bit more background information for when you do call the company.

The portions at many restaurants today are bigger than ever, sometimes offering enough for two or three meals. Since it just doesn't seem right to discard a large hunk of beef tenderloin or broiled swordfish, at what sort of business or social function would it not be acceptable to ask your server to "pack it up"?
C.P. /// Beverly

Good question! Here are the definite no-nos: Don't ask for a doggie bag at a dinner that is being paid for by others (the company banquet, a wedding rehearsal dinner). To do so would make you look concerned less about waste and the environment than you are about ensuring you get all that you're entitled to. And don't ask for one on the first date. If the date's going well, such a pragmatic request would spoil the romance; if the date is not going well, you surely won't want a reminder of it in your fridge the next morning.

From the tone of your question, it sounds as though you have something of a moral issue with portion sizes and waste, to which I am sympathetic. While it's not really proper to go the doggie-bag route at any formal occasion, ethics trump etiquette as far as I'm concerned. So if you feel strongly about not wasting food and have paid for your meal yourself, go ahead and demand the bag. You may look a bit gauche, but at least that swordfish will not have died in vain.

I recently received a thank you card from a friend whose birthday party I attended. I gave her a nice bottle of wine and a card, which was put in a pile with the rest of the gifts. However, her card thanked me for the "generous" gift certificate, which I did not give to her. What is the proper thing for me to do now?
ANONYMOUS /// Boston

Call her. Maybe she drank the wine before writing the thank you notes and things got a bit muzzy. But you can clarify that you didn't give her the gift certificate, which means that someone who did is not being properly thanked.

MY WORD!

Personal correspondence should be handwritten. However, if you have illegible handwriting, it's better to send a word-processed letter than one that can't be read. The point of a letter, after all, is what it says, not how it looks. You can keep the personal touch by writing the salutation and closing by hand.

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