Why Wasn't I Told "You Didn't Get the Job"?

I recently interviewed at a major corporation for a senior-level position. I was very qualified; the hiring manager, a company director, spent more than 90 minutes with me; and I made no gaffes and my background has no skeletons. I was told by the HR recruiter that they were nearing the end of the interview cycle and I would hear back within a week to 10 days. After 10 days, I left a message with HR, and 10 days after that, another, both of which were met with silence. Is this common practice these days?

P.C. /// Hingham

Sadly, yes. I asked Devin Ryder, senior consultant for career development at Harvard University, about the problem, and here's what she had to say: "There is an epidemic out there of not bothering to get back to applicants, at every company and at every level. This is the number one complaint that I hear from applicants, period. One has to assume that the hiring managers have repressed their own previous job hunting experiences, where they, too, must have been anxiously awaiting news from a hiring supervisor. Somehow, when the shoe is on the other foot, that personal experience doesn't carry over."

The good news, then, is it's not just you. The bad news is that this ill-mannered trend doesn't seem as though it's going to stop any time soon. It really is inexcusable -- I don't care how busy HR people are or how much they dread the "you didn't get the job" conversation. E-mail can go a long way toward ameliorating both those problems (and people who can't handle awkward conversations shouldn't go into HR to begin with).

There isn't much more you can do at this point, except to keep looking. Devin recommends that job seekers continue to think of themselves as seekers until they get an actual offer -- keep applying, interviewing, and networking right up until that moment. It's the best way to protect yourself psychologically, as well as ensuring that, if HR does its magic disappearing act, you'll still have leads left to pursue.

A friend has taken up with a boyfriend who regularly touches people in inappropriate ways, and he has seemed to single out my husband and me. Examples include caressing my lower back, giving me uncomfortably long hugs, and grabbing my husband's rear end and commenting on its firmness. Our friend has followed his lead, and she makes repeated comments about my breasts and has become huggy and grabby. My husband and I are sick of this behavior and want it to stop, but the whole thing is incredibly awkward. Whenever one of these inappropriate situations unfolds, we are too stunned to do anything at the time. Any suggestions?

E.O. /// Somerville

The first suggestion is that you realize the Feelgoods aren't going to stop with this behavior, so don't be so stunned next time. Feel me once, shame on you; feel me twice, shame on me. Be prepared the next time you see them.

There are a number of different ways you could address the issue, depending on the nature of your relationship. You could talk to your friend privately and let her know that you're uncomfortable and would like your friendship to return to its old, pre-grope traditions. That's the soul-baring, "relationship talk," Oprah Winfrey way of going about things. Or you could take a more rough-and-ready approach, and the next time hands get placed where they should not be, say, "Get your hands off my [relevant body part]. Now. I am so totally serious about this." Say this in a calm, possibly even jovial, tone that nonetheless conveys that you mean business. If hands are not removed instantly, move away or remove them yourself. When the person makes inappropriate comments, you can reply, "I am not discussing my breasts with you," and change the topic. Again, keep your tone light yet as firm as your husband's rear end. (Sorry.)

I recently received an invitation to a friend's baby shower. I had already purchased a gift for her, a beautiful diaper bag and some baby clothes. However, the invitation say sit will be a "money tree" shower. I think it's incredibly tacky to ask for money. The shower is being hosted by my friend's mother. I want to attend, but am I obligated to give money along with the gift? What do I say if questioned about the "money tree"?

C.D. /// Holliston

Of course you're not obligated to cough up cash. Givers may give what they choose, as long as they give. One ought to bring some gift to a shower, since getting presents is the entire idea of showers. (The idea of weddings, christenings, bar/bat mitzvahs, and the like is to share significant moments with those you love, so while presents are lovely and traditional at those events, they are not mandatory.) And you've already got a present, so bring it happily with good wishes and no apologies. If anyone questions you -- And what on earth would they ask? How much cash have you clipped on the tree? -- say, "Oh, I gave her the diaper bag and the onesies." Repeat until the person leaves you alone.

MY WORD!

Many people aren't sure what late spring's wave of graduation and wedding correspondence requires from them. According to tradition, announcements aren't an occasion for gifts (though it's nice to call or write) but invitations are (even if you can't attend the graduation or wedding). Gifts are usually not mandatory -- even at weddings -- but always welcome. So listen to common sense and your heart when interpreting tradition.