What can I do to soothe a miserable single friend?

I have an old, dear friend with a troubled love life. For the past few years, nearly all of our conversations have been monopolized by her dating woes and her anxiety about being single. Although I feel bad for her and want to be a good friend, I dread our conversations. I don't know how to advise her (any suggestions?) or even how to keep the topic from dominating and spoiling our relationship.

M.M. /// Somerville

Oh, dear. You need to talk to your friend, though it's not a conversation that's likely to be much fun. Obviously, talking to her will have some risks - but it sounds as though your friendship is already at risk. And your poor friend doesn't even know it. So talk, already.

Of course I don't have any advice for her on her love life, and I bet you don't either. What the long-term lovelorn want is not advice, anyway, but for you to magically produce an eligible, charming, commitment-ready Significant Other from your NPR tote bag. "Oh, heavens, Meg, I'm such an idiot - look, I've had this lovely architect right here in my bag the whole time and I completely forgot! Here you go." And because you don't have a lovely architect stashed away in your NPR tote bag (I hope), you are not only bored and frustrated by your friend's litany of woes but also feel powerless to help her and maybe angry at your helplessness.

Or maybe you feel some different spectrum of emotions entirely. Spend some time thinking about how your friend's obsessive focus on her dating troubles affects you. Does it make you feel anxious about being single - or perhaps guilty about being in a relationship? Once you've figured out your own reactions, open the conversation. Tell your friend how you feel and ask for her help dealing with those feelings. Ask her, also, what specifically she would like from you. You're not going to produce that architect, after all, and your friend knows that. What does she need from you? Perhaps in your efforts to cheer her up, you've inadvertently conveyed the message that her problems aren't really that important or that she is overreacting. If you truly acknowledge the fact that it can be frightening to approach the prospect of life without a Significant Other, your friend might finally feel heard - maybe even heard enough that she can afford to be quiet for a while.

We recently attended a popular film and could find only two seats together, both of which had coats on them. The woman seated next to them told us she was saving them for friends. What should we have said or done?

F.H. /// Natick

You should have arrived earlier, and next time perhaps you will. Saving seats in a movie theater is a practice generally condoned by common-law etiquette; the woman with the coats, and her alleged friends, was doing nothing wrong. Unless of course she only wanted room to stretch her legs, did not have friends at all, and was making the whole thing up. But you could hardly accuse a person of something like that in a public space.

I attend a weekly girls' night out. Often, some of the women have two or three alcoholic drinks and I have one, but we always split the bill evenly. Recently, I spoke up when the check arrived, and we then split the bill according to what everyone drank. But at the next outing, the check was figured out as it always has been - evenly. I should have spoken up again, but I didn't. Then I felt bad that the others hadn't remembered my request from the previous night out. Of course, I was hoping I wouldn't have to speak up again. (I usually drive and nobody donates gas money either.)

M.R. /// Boston

Well, that's what happens when you hang out with people who drink more than you do: You're the only one who remembers what's going on from one occasion to the next, and you have to drive. Even without alcohol involved, it's hard for people to learn new habits. You may have to remind them a few more times before it becomes second nature to have the "Wait, I had the chardonnay and you had the seltzer" conversation every time the bill comes.

But are you really sure you want to be having this conversation, anyway? Does everyone's share of the tab truly divvy up that neatly every time? Assuming you sometimes order food, are you certain you've never ordered an appetizer or dessert when others did not? Has no one ever ordered the pasta while someone else has the lobster? You seem to feel taken advantage of, but I suspect the habit of dividing the bill equally wasn't done to put something over on the light eaters and teetotalers, but for the sake of simple efficiency, with a sense that it will all come out in the wash. Disrupting that policy may make your friends feel that you don't trust them.

And if you are beginning to resent driving, then don't do it as often. You say you "usually" drive, which implies that there are others in the group who can do so. So beg off a few times, until it becomes group practice to take turns, rather than trying to hit your friends up for gas money.

MY WORD!

If you are given wine by dinner guests, it's not necessary to serve the wine with the meal (unless they've specifically asked what kind of wine will go with what you're preparing). If you're given a hearty shiraz that will overwhelm your poached salmon, a sincere "Thank you - this will be great on a winter evening!" is sufficient.

Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a Cambridge-based writer with a PhD in psychology.