When brides bristle at being called Mrs. Hisname

I am about to get married and plan to keep my surname. I could never justify to my daughters that my name was not as good as my future husband's, but I respect others' decision to take a spouse's name. Yet some people have commented that it won't be fair to give my children a hyphenated name, and others ask if my fiance is offended. How can I tactfully deflect such questions, as well as correct people who already refer to me as "Mrs. _____"?
ANONYMOUS /// Cambridge

People who refer to you as Mrs. Hisname before you are married are usually not stating their intention as to how they plan to address you in the future. They are simply expressing, in a whimsical fashion, a sentiment akin to "Whoo-hoo! You're getting married!" So don't pick a fight about it. That's the kind of thing that makes people think feminists have no sense of humor.

And you'll want to hang on to that sense of humor when people do question or criticize your name choice, because the sheer presumptuousness of it really is amusing - some people think they know what you and your family would like to be called better than you do. And you can let that amusement show a bit, just a bit, when you answer them. Respond with statements like "It's a good thing I didn't need your permission, then" or "No, we communicate about decisions like this" or "We're all comfortable with our names, thanks." Say this in a friendly but slightly incredulous tone, as though you're not quite sure they're really asking what they seem to be asking, but you have decided to humor them anyway.

I am having medical problems that affect my ability to walk and talk, but otherwise I look healthy. I'm afraid that people think I'm always drunk, and I'd like to correct them without giving them so much information that they're freaked out or think I'm depressing. What is the polite way to discuss medical problems with people?
B.C. /// Boston

There is little point to attempting to explain your situation to sales clerks, passersby, door-to-door solicitors, or anyone else you are unlikely to see again, and I assume your close friends and family are already aware of what you're going through. You have a couple of options for communicating with the sea of humanity in between. The first is to be matter-of-fact about your illness. People won't freak out or think you're depressing if you're calm and candid, saying something like: "I know I talk strangely. It's because I have syndrome X. It's not contagious, and it doesn't affect my ability to understand other people." Try to include information that will head off the most common questions you get. You can also tell people that you prefer not to talk about syndrome X, or that you'd be happy to answer questions they might have about it. People will want to know the appropriate thing to do, so it's kind to give them some guidance.

Your other alternative, for group situations, is to employ the grapevine. If you would like your co-workers, fellow congregants, or knitting club to know about your ailment, but don't feel like having The Talk with each person individually, discuss it with one or two people (perhaps your closest friend and/or the group leader) and ask them to explain it to others.

I am planning a significant-age birthday party for my spouse in our smallish home. There are some local and out-of-state guests that I'm pretty certain won't be able to attend, but I still want them to know about the birthday. (I should note that we hope nobody brings gifts to the party.) Would sending invitations to these unlikely guests be in poor taste?
P.S. /// Cambridge

Oh, I do love that phrase "significant-age birthday"! May I have it, please? I promise to take good care of it.

Sending invitations to out-of-towners is rather pointless. They may realize that you don't actually expect them to come but will feel obligated to send a present anyway. An invitation with "no need for gifts" will only confuse them: What are they supposed to do, then? If you want them to know about your spouse's birthday - and have good reason to believe that said spouse wants his or her significant age broadcast to your social network - why not simply call or e-mail them with the news? "Just wanted to let you know Jamie's turning a significant age next Thursday and would love a call or e-card from you!" or whatever. (I assume the reason you want to inform people of Jamie's birthday is so that they can call with birthday wishes. If there is some other reason, your communication should reflect that. At any rate, know that whoever you tell about Jamie's birthday will assume that you want them to do something about it beyond simply basking in their newfound knowledge. So if you don't want presents, tell people what you do want - cards, calls, prayers, what have you.)

In the case of local friends, go ahead and send the invitation even if you don't think they're likely to come. You can always scrawl something across the bottom like "I know you've got Caitlin's soccer practice on Thursday nights, but if for some reason it's canceled, we'd love to see you at the party!"

MY WORD!

High school reunion season, and the embarrassing life assessment that it entails, is in full swing. If there are topics you'd like to avoid (about the absence of a job, say, or the presence of a Botoxed brow), keep in mind that the key to avoiding awkward questions is to be a good listener. That way, you can easily deflect talk to a topic of the questioner's interest.

Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a Cambridge-based writer with a PhD in psychology.