A mom feels the slings and arrows of war talk

My son is deployed in Iraq. He has given up six years of his life as a Marine Reservist and wouldn't have it any other way. Frequently people tell me what a waste it is for my son and the United States to be in Iraq and that my son must be stupid or cruel. All I say, in a sincere way, is "I am sorry you feel that way," but in response I get a tongue-lashing. I don't bring up where my son is in the first place, I don't insult these people, and yet I am left shaking and sad. If you have any suggestions on how I can answer these people, I'd appreciate it. He'll be there until November.
M.B. /// Halifax

I am so sorry to hear this, M.B., and appalled at the stupidity and cruelty of those who would insult your son knowing nothing about him except that he is in a horrifying situation not of his own making. Whose hearts and minds do they think they're winning? Please hold on until November and be as brave as your son, for your son.

But remember that while he is in a fight that he can't walk away from, you are not. The people who would attack you do not deserve your attention. Stick with "I am sorry you feel that way," or "Don't confuse your feelings about the war with your feelings about my son." If they persist, leave. You do not need to defend or explain or justify anything to anyone.

It is not necessary to support the war in Iraq in order to treat our troops and their families with courtesy and kindness. I hope that someday many people will be called to account for this war, but you are not one of them. You, your son, and all the families like yours should be given the utmost compassion and respect.

Is it considered rude to come to a work meeting or seminar with a cup of coffee and to drink it while others in the group have no refreshments? How about breaking out a PowerBar for a snack?
S. W. /// Concord

All but the most formal business meetings are BYO. Private java is acceptable as long as the drinking itself is unobjectionable - no slurping, no dripping - and the meeting is large enough that attendees can be expected to provide for themselves. In a small meeting of two or three people, it is more polite to bring coffee for everyone, abstain, or meet in a cafe to begin with. A Power- Bar is about as far as you can go with food at meetings - sloppy food is inexcusable. Bringing food is never really appropriate, but it is up to each individual to weigh the importance of maintaining normal blood sugar levels against that of making a good impression.

I live in a duplex with my husband and 4-year-old daughter. The woman living in the other half of the house is a smoker, and our bathrooms and basement often reek of smoke. We assume our neighbor has been smoking in her own bathrooms and basement in an attempt to spare her own child from secondhand smoke. (Her and our basement and bathrooms are separated by only drywall and a few studs.) I don't believe we can ask her to stop smoking in those areas, since she is, after all, in her own house. My husband thinks the secondhand smoke could pose a risk for our daughter and wants to make our neighbor aware that her smoke is coming into our house. Can we talk to her about this, and, if so, what should we say?
M.C. /// Franklin

I think you and your husband need to get on the same page before you bring Marlboro Mary in on the conversation. Are you going to ask her "to stop smoking" or make her "aware" of the effect her smoke is having? These are not the same thing. If you and your husband aren't in agreement on what the goal of your conversation with your neighbor is, it's possible you'll have a lovely talk with her and then get into an argument with each other when you get home. (At least you know not to fight in the bathrooms or basement, where accusations can filter through the walls as easily as smoke.)

Your husband's position sounds like a reasonable one. You can certainly talk to your neighbor and let her know that the smoke in the bathroom and basement is coming into your house. Acknowledge that she clearly has the right to smoke in her own house, and you're not asking her to stop, but would like to know if there's a way to change the situation so you and your family aren't bothered by the smell. At this point, your neighbor very well might offer to stop smoking in the house. Go ahead and take her up on the offer, gratefully, if she does. Or she might suggest some compromise, perhaps involving smoking hours and fans and the like, and you can negotiate from there.

As you point out, your neighbor is in her own house and might get her back up if you asked her to stop smoking there. And I would also suggest avoiding as much as possible any assumptions about children and secondhand smoke. Maybe she smokes where she does to protect her own child, maybe not. But playing the child-welfare angle too hard could wind up making Ms. Smoker feel as if you think she's a bad mom or doesn't care about anyone's kids but her own, and that will not improve intra-duplex relations.

MY WORD!

In the 1925 Pulitzer-winning novel Arrowsmith, Sinclair Lewis writes of a character who "never squandered an hour or a good impulse." I wouldn't like to know anyone incapable of squandering an hour, but good impulses are something else. The next time you feel moved to say or do something kind or generous or funny - do it!

Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a Cambridge-based writer with a PhD in psychology.