Are potluck gatherings tasteful or just tacky?

My sister and I have a great yard with an in-ground pool. We want to have a pool party and barbecue for about 65 people, but money is tight. Do you think it's rude to have the invitations say "Potluck Pool Party" to let guests know we would like them to bring something?
P.B. /// Norwood

Potluck parties are an old and honorable tradition, and if there's a pool involved, so much the better! I'm sure your guests will be delighted at the invitation. Spend some time thinking beforehand about how organized you want to be: Do you want to ask people what they plan to bring so as to ensure a variety of dishes, or is it OK by you if every last person shows up with pasta salad? As hosts, you should also provide beverages and ice, because those are the two things you don't want to run out of.

It seems that every Monday morning my boss says to me: "Are you OK? You look so tired. You have circles under your eyes." I admit that I sometimes am tired and have circles under my eyes. However, I feel that this is more an attempt to tell me I don't look great than a show of concern for my well-being. I'm never sure how to respond to this backhanded comment.
M.S. /// Boston

Your boss is tactless but may have innocent intentions. I recently read A Changed Man, the latest novel by the funny and acute Francine Prose, and was struck by the following quote: "Vincent knows from all those years of dealing with his mom that what women really want is for you to notice how hard they're working." Perhaps your boss's mom was like Vincent's, and nothing pleased her more than to have all her sacrifices noticed and sympathized with. Your boss may have picked up, consciously or not, the idea that the way to make women (if not people in general) feel appreciated is to tell them how tired they look.

Then again, life doesn't always imitate art. Maybe your boss is being snarky, just as you suspect. But you don't have to respond to intentions, whatever they are - just to the words. So when your boss comments on your dark circles, you can either keep saying "Nope, I'm fine" until he or she gets bored with asking you, or you can point out that he or she often says this on Mondays, and it's not the most inspiring way to begin your workweek.

Or, if you have good job security and improvisation skills, you could start amusing yourself. Explain that you were raised by raccoons. Tell your boss that you went to the Insane Clown Posse concert last weekend and got to partying backstage until 5 a.m. Quote Shakespeare ("Sleep no more! Macbeth does murther sleep - the innocent sleep, sleep that knits up the ravel'd sleave of care, the death of each day's life, sore labor's bath, balm of hurt minds," and so on). Whatever option you choose, don't lose any sleep over it.

My brother and his male partner recently announced their engagement. I was honored to be asked to be his best man. My brother has hinted that he would like a bachelor party, which as the best man I understand is mine to organize. I know that traditionally the bachelor party would involve the prospective groom and his male friends but would not include the bride or her female friends. In this case, however, almost all of his friends are male, and because the couple have been living together for almost 20 years, the vast majority are mutual. So do I throw my brother a party, inviting all of his friends but not his partner, and then allow his fiance's best man to throw a similar party?
A.D. /// Somerville

Yes, as best man, your duties do include organizing the bachelor party. They don't, however, include inventing an entirely new social form, which is apparently what you are being asked to do. So ask your brother exactly what a bachelor party for a gay couple that has been together 20 years is supposed to look like, and then make it happen.

Bachelor(ette) parties are a weird enough anachronism as it is, with all kinds of assumptions built in that are no longer true for most couples. Almost everyone these days has close friends of both sexes, for one thing, and the idea of one final mad spree of sowing the wild oats before entering a life sentence of dreary monogamy is hardly an appealing one. (If it does sound appealing, rethink getting married.)

I doubt your brother and his fiance, who have lived and loved together for two decades before winning the right to make their union legal, envision their bachelor party as the Mardi Gras revelry before the Lenten fast of married life. So talk to them and find out what their vision is. It may seem odd to have two separate parties with nearly identical guest lists, but perhaps this is what your brother and his fiance want. Maybe they have different interests, and bro would like to go to a jazz club while future bro-in-law would prefer a kayaking expedition. Or perhaps each would like time alone with his friends to tell them how much they mean to him and to wax rhapsodic or droll about his intended without self-censorship. But your job is only to be a party planner, not a mind reader. So ask, already.

MY WORD!
If you've ever accidentally spilled information about a friend that was meant to be kept confidential, you know what an awful feeling it is. Never gossip unintentionally! If someone tells you big news, make sure always to ask them if it's public knowledge before mentioning it to any mutual acquaintances.

Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a Cambridge-based writer with a PhD in psychology.