Shell Games

I'm so allergic to seafood that even touching shellfish, or touching someone who's recently handled shellfish, can cause a potentially deadly reaction. Since shrimp and crab hors d'oeuvres are popular at functions, I'm stumped when someone extends a hand to shake. Many times, I've declined shaking hands with a brief explanation of my allergy. A co-worker recently suggested begging off the handshake by explaining I have a cold. I think it makes me sound a bit paranoid. How do I handle the situation without sharing my medical history or sounding germ-phobic?

A.C. in Concord

You could start hanging out exclusively with Orthodox Jews, who don't eat shellfish. The really observant ones don't even shake hands with the opposite sex, so even if you encounter someone who recently cheated on the dietary rules, there would be a 50 percent chance that he or she wouldn't extend a hand to you, anyway.

But this may be going too far. To me, it sounds like you're doing fine as it is. What's wrong with saying, "I'd love to shake hands, but I have a serious allergy and can't touch anyone who might have touched the crab cakes. So, what did you think of the keynote speaker?" Yes, it is moderately awkward, and it will be tiresome to have to repeat it. But any medical condition involves annoyances - some physical, some social.

Claiming you have a cold doesn't seem like much of an improvement. You're still giving information about your health - it's just false information. And what if you meet the same shrimp-toting networker at more than one event? Are you going to keep having the same cold?

Besides, by mentioning your allergy, you are educating others that such allergies exist. This does a service to your fellow sufferers. Imagine how nice it would be for you if, halfway through your little "I'd love to shake hands but" speech, the person you were speaking with said, "Oh, sorry! I met someone last week who has the same thing about peanuts. Must be a real pain. Anyway, what did you think of the keynote speaker?"

Every summer, a relative and her husband send us an engraved invitation for dinner and dancing at her exclusive Cape Cod country club. We are asked to "RSVP by sending a check for $150 per couple" to their home address. No cause or charity is listed as the beneficiary. I am shocked to receive an invitation to someone's party and be asked to help foot the bill. How should we address this tacky situation, other than by saying we're not available?

E.C. in Weston

Why is it necessary to "address" the situation at all? If your relative and in-law can afford membership in an exclusive country club, then the stamp for your invitation is probably not a financial hardship for them, despite the rising cost of postage. Barring such concern for their budget, or for the wee bit of rain-forest depredation represented by the wasted paper of their invitation, I can't think why you'd bother saying anything.

Oh, right: because what they're doing is tacky and gross. But really, so what? Does receiving this invitation hurt you in any way? Impinge on your freedom of action? Insult your heritage or values? No, it doesn't.

The annual invitation/invoice simply provides glorious, mute witness to the social incompetence of your family member. Many people would wish that their own relatives' gaffes could so easily be ignored and tossed in the recycling container. Let it go and continue being happily "unavailable."

I was putting creamer in my coffee at Starbucks when I heard the man being served at the counter say angrily, "I've already gotten one parking ticket waiting in line at Starbucks today, and I really don't need another." It was on the tip of my tongue to tell this bully he should try parking legally instead of taking it out on the innocent employees. Instead, I walked out. Is there anything a person can do when witnessing such awful behavior?

E.G. in Boston

Yes, you can bolster the confidence and self-esteem of the innocent employee. I know, I know, you wanted to go chastise the bully. So would I. But there's a good chance that anything you said to the rude customer would only make things worse. You've already discovered that he has a poor grasp of logic and little self-control, neither of which makes him a good candidate for rational discourse.

If the abusive customer happens to overhear your words and is a better person than his initial burst of temper indicates, he may feel remorse. If not, you have at least cheered the coffee-shop clerks.

My Word!

If you're planning a wedding and are concerned about people bringing uninvited children, one option is to set up a nursery so that children can be watched during the service and then brought out for the reception. You can even save the sitter costs if friends will volunteer. (Thanks to the readers who suggested this clever solution!)

Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a Cambridge-based writer with a PhD in psychology