When to Spill Gossip

My friend is married to a man she loves dearly. However, the stories I hear about him are completely inconsistent with what she tells me. For example, she says he's a hard worker, but his friends say he spends his days gambling and/or at a bar. She's working two jobs because he told her he was let go from his job. I heard he was fired and is being sued by his former employer for embezzling money to support his gambling addiction. I am worried about my friend, because I don't think she knows about any of this, and her hard-earned money is in jeopardy. Should I say something or stay out of it?
M.E. in Norwood

No matter what you do, it may turn out to be the wrong thing - "wrong" not in the sense of morally wrong, but in the sense of bringing the Wrath of Friend down upon your head. Say something, and she may be furious and cut you out for good. Stay out of it, and she may come to you in a year or so, howling, "Why didn't you tell me?"

I say this not to dismay you, but to point out that you need to make a decision that you can live with. Whatever your friend's reaction may be, you need to be able to look yourself in the mirror afterward and believe that you did the right thing, out of your best love and wisdom. don't take anyone's advice, including mine, on how you should deal with the situation unless that advice rings true to you.

something or stay out of it - my advice is to do both, and in that order.

First, say something. You don't know what the truth of the matter is, but if rumors are swirling around your friend and her husband, she might want to be apprised of them. I think it would be wise to say from the outset that you will not tell her where you heard these rumors. You might also point out that you are aware that this is only hearsay, and that you yourself are neutral on the facts of the case but concerned for her welfare, in case it might be true.

Then, stay out of it. Once you've told your friend what you've heard, let her know that she has your full support but that as of this moment your nose is no longer in her business. Don't approach her with updates to the scuttlebutt or questions about how she's dealing with the issue. Continue to treat her husband as you always have.

This approach, like any, may backfire. Your friend is being victimized by someone, whether it is her husband or her gossiping friends, and people who have been victimized are often angry, humiliated, and defensive. Your friend may take her anger and embarrassment out on you. I hope this doesn't happen, but if it does, you will at least know that you have done your best by her. What is a polite way to inform people - particularly those in higher positions at work - that you prefer to be called by your full first name? Many people automatically call me by an assumed nickname, "Steph," but I really don't like being called that. I would never start calling Joseph or Lindsay or Kevin "Joe" or "Linds" or "Kev" without them first telling me to do so. S.V. You say, "Actually, I go by Stephanie," in a calm and upbeat tone, as though you were announcing a mildly interesting fact about yourself, such as "Actually, I was raised by wolves" or "Oh, I have a Shar-Pei, too" or "I'm the regional Scrabble champion." Practice until you can say it with authority but no attitude. It is rude to take liberties with another person's name, but it's rarely meant in a bad way. So make the correction - which you may have to do more than once - and move on.

Often when my wife and I go to a drive-through window to buy coffee, our cup holders contain the previous day's empties. I'm inclined to hand over the trash to the sales associate with a "Please, could you throw this out?" - especially since I'm buying new coffee, and the trash is from the same retailer - but my wife thinks it's rude. Is it bad manners?
S.S. in Francestown, New Hampshire

It is all right to do this, as long as the trash is only the business's (no cleaning out the car and expecting the nice drive-through person to dispose of your detritus); you ask the clerk in a respectful and appreciative tone to dispose of the garbage; and the drive-through service is not busy. Drive-through workers have a huge amount of information coming at them during a hectic time and do not need even one more distraction.

However, neither the drive-through clerks nor I share your commute or your home. Your wife, on the other hand, does. If your behavior makes her uncomfortable, and my words fail to persuade her otherwise, then I think you should dispose of the trash yourself. Peace in the home, or car, is more important than convenient waste disposal.

My Word!

College professors and teaching fellows, please tell your students how you would like to be addressed. Many people, especially those who are the first in their family to attend college, won't know if they should call you "Doctor," "Professor," "Mister/Miss/ Ms.," or by your first name. Students - if your professors don't tell you what to call them, ask! They'll be impressed with your initiative.

Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a Cambridge-based writer with a PhD in psychology.