Ignored Invitations
When kids skip your party, plus bridesmaids' gifts and ma'am matters.
One Saturday afternoon, we had a birthday party for our first-grade daughter at a local party place. We invited her entire class (20 children) about 2 1/2 weeks in advance, with an RSVP date of five days before the party. We heard from only four parents by the RSVP date, so I called the other parents, leaving courteous messages for those who weren't in. By Saturday, we had still not heard from half of the class, and only six of the nine children who said they were coming turned up. My daughter enjoyed the party but was disappointed so many didn't come. Her teachers say she is well-liked but has some self-esteem issues, and this episode isn't going to help. Did I do something horribly gauche in trying to contact the people who didn't RSVP?
C.L. in Framingham
Of course it wasn't gauche of you to call the people who didn't RSVP. How else would you have known how many spaces to reserve at Chuck E. Cheese's? I always have to call people who haven't RSVP'd to my parties, for heaven's sake, and I'm Miss Conduct! I thought my friends would get better about this kind of thing once I got an etiquette column and could scold them in public for it, but apparently I was wrong.
Take the teachers' self-esteem comments with a grain of salt. Her teachers claim she has issues, but how does your child seem to you? Is she timid or aggressive or happy and confident? "Self-esteem" is an ill-thought-out notion - many people who talk about it, and even study it, can't agree on a definition, and much of the psychological research shows inconsistent results. (Along with some findings that ought to give a parent pause. Bullies, for example, often think rather well of themselves and have little social anxiety.) Your daughter may or may not have "self-esteem issues," but in either case, our own self-worth should not depend on others' mastery of etiquette.
I'm sorry that this lesson came to you and your child in such an annoying and surprising fashion. I would encourage you to make the best of the situation and use it to help your daughter understand that sometimes people let you down and don't appreciate you, but even when they disappoint you, you can still have good manners and good times. Any child, or adult, who has truly learned that lesson won't ever need to worry about "self-esteem."
At my rehearsal dinner, I gave each of my bridesmaids a $100 Swarovski piece. One of my two maids of honor returned it to the store the next day for a necklace and earrings without telling me. Instead, she told the other maid of honor that my gift was useless and even wore the exchanged jewelry to my wedding and asked how I liked it. Am I wrong in thinking it was tacky of her to do what she did? Also, is it acceptable to return an attendant gift?
S.B. in Brooklyn, New York
I'm in awe of the equanimity and calm sense of intellectual curiosity that pervades your question. I'd be spitting toads if someone had done that to me. My warmest congratulations to your spouse on having married such an even-tempered woman.
Yes, your friend's behavior was tacky, and, no, it is not acceptable to return bridesmaids' (or grooms-men's) gifts. They're not supposed to be useful. They're supposed to be a sentimental reminder of the occasion. However, your friend's sheer brazenness - wearing the new jewelry to your wedding and bringing your attention to it - suggests that she doesn't know she did anything wrong. You needn't apprise her of her faux pas if you don't want to; it's not your responsibility to make up for her lack of social training. Of course, if your feelings are hurt, then do talk to her, preferably without spitting toads.
As a waiter in a nice restaurant, I always call the men "Sir" but am at a loss when it comes to addressing the women. Certainly no one wants to be called "Ma'am," but it seems odd to address a woman with a husband as "Miss." I usually use no title but feel this is equally rude.
M.J. in Manchester, New Hampshire
It is rude to use an honorific for men but not for women, and, believe me, this is the kind of thing women notice. Even the most ardent anti-feminist will turn into Andrea Dworkin when her husband is "Sir" and she is "[nothing]."
I realize your intentions are the best, but rethink your prejudice against "Ma'am." It isn't an acronym for "Menopausal, Aging, and Moody." It's an appropriate term of address for any female over the age of 12. (Though, of course, you can send an under-12 into transports of delight by addressing her thus.) "Ma'am" is the feminine equivalent of "Sir," which is why women in the military are addressed as "Ma'am." How silly would it be to call a full colonel "Miss"?
If a woman does react badly to being called "Ma'am," then leave off and don't use "Ma'am" or "Sir" thereafter. (Or, if both you and the customer have a sense of humor and it feels appropriate to do so, a melodramatic "Madam" might work.)
My Word!
No matter how cute you may find someone else's baby or pet, ask before you touch. Little Joshua or Socks might have a cold, or behavioral issues, or stranger anxiety. And parents and pet owners, don't assume everyone else finds Joshua or Socks as adorable as you do. Let others ask before you offer to let them hold, pet, or feed your beloved.
Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a Cambridge-based writer with a PhD in psychology.
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