Fish Tips

When you sit at a sushi bar, there is a chef's tip jar. Often, there is also a waitress serving you beverages, soups, or dessert. What is the etiquette for tipping in this scenario?

J.D. in Brookline

Tip the server as you would in any restaurant - 15 to 20 percent. For tax purposes, waiters' and waitresses' income is calculated based on assumed tips. So when you undertip, your server is not only deprived of the tip but is at risk for being taxed for income he or she never received.

It is not required to tip the chef, but it is extremely good form to do so. You just can't be too nice to people who are feeding you raw fish is my motto. It is also good form to ask the chef for his or her recommendations. If this is a sushi bar you go to often, it's worthwhile to get on the chefs' good side through tipping, genuine appreciation of their work, and perhaps an offer to share a sake with them when business is slow. A sushi chef who feels appreciated will steer you to the most succulent tidbits and occasionally give free samples.

I work with many women, all of whom have children. In group settings, some of the women with young children like to inquire about others' young children, but they do not include those of us with older kids (like teenagers). I've mentioned this to other women with older children, and they've also noticed this. Just because our kids are older doesn't make them any less important or interesting. What do you suggest we do or say?

L.S. in Dedham

I suggest you mention some of the important and interesting things your kids are up to. There's no point in waiting for an invitation to join a conversation and then getting cheesed when no such invitation is forthcoming. Just pipe up! People don't usually ask about things that have been going on for a while. I find my husband even more pleasing and interesting than I did when we first married, but no one ever thinks to ask me how married life is treating me these days.

Also, when it comes to teenagers, people may be afraid to ask because the news might not be good. Adolescence is often seen as a time of trauma and high risk. Maybe Caitlin is struggling with anorexia or Justin is flunking chemistry or Shanti hasn't left her room for days, and their parents would just as soon not talk about it. Although most teenagers are healthy and productive and no more messed up than the rest of us, negative stereotypes persist.

Keep in mind, too, that as a parent of an older child, you are in a place that the parents of toddlers and elementary-schoolers can only imagine and about which they may well have some trepidation. This is a privileged position, and it is seductively easy to abuse it. I have often seen the parents of older children lord it over the parents of younger ones, offering unasked-for advice or threatening them with tales of how much worse things will get. ("You think that's bad? Wait until they're 14 . . .") Make sure that you are not doing this unconsciously.

At a public high school, I teach students learning English as a second language. I've banned gum from my classroom. However, since there is no schoolwide rule about gum, it takes constant reminding to get them to comply. I explain that they need to have their mouths free to practice a new language. I want them to make the best impression and so note that it would be improper to chew gum in professional settings like a job interview. I see some of the other teachers and even the principal chewing gum, which seems wrong to me, but maybe my expectations about decorum are too uptight. What do you think?

G.L. in Jamaica Plain

Of course you're right! Chewing gum is never appropriate in a classroom, and in a language class it's particularly ridiculous.

If your constant reminders aren't doing the job, start a policy of fining the students every time you have to ask them to remove gum from their mouths. Fifty cents for each reminder, say, with the money to go at the end of the year to a charitable cause - perhaps an organization that benefits the communities or countries the students are originally from. Explain that the policy is not meant to demean your students or treat them like children. I have been in many workshops and seminars where similar practices are used with high-level executives. (If school regulations forbid this approach, find some creative alternative.)

As a teacher, you will often find yourself in the unenviable position of setting standards that the rest of the world will not help you uphold. It's a shame that your colleagues, by their own public gum-chewing, aren't helping, but there you go. Doesn't it bother them when students gnash and pop away in class? It seems odd that it wouldn't, but perhaps they are picking their battles and don't really want to fight on the Gum Frontier. You should pick your battles, too, and not start a faculty-lounge war over the issue. Do, however, continue to stick to your gum - er, guns - in the classroom.

My Word!

"My Word!" can be your words, too. If you have an original etiquette tip or creative solution, please send it in to missconduct@globe.com. Put "My Word!" in the subject line, and let us know if you'd like to be credited or remain anonymous. We look forward to hearing from you. Tips may be edited for length.

Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a Cambridge-based writer with a PhD in psychology.