Don't Touch the Bump

Ever since my pregnancy started showing, I've had acquaintances say hi to the baby by rubbing my tummy, and it is intrusive. How can I confront that approaching hand without being blunt or throwing a karate chop?
S.A. in Boston

If you're at a Sox game, you could always try a deadpan "We need a pitcher, not a belly-itcher." (I don't follow baseball myself, but according to friends who do, this is fairly accurate.) Or perhaps "Do I look like Lassie to you? Then why are you rubbing my belly?"

But these approaches are unnecessarily snarky and probably wouldn't work anyway. You say you don't want to be blunt, but what's wrong with bluntness? Most people, if halted in their belly-petting behavior, would probably instantly realize it is inappropriate - they are doing it only semiconsciously. Sometimes the urge to touch is simply instinctive. I am embarrassed to admit that I sometimes pet strange dogs without asking their owners, even though I have said in this very column that this is a no-no. The hand reaches out before the brain engages.

So the next time a hand reaches out for you, tell its owner "Please don't do that" in a calm and businesslike tone and continue with the conversation as though there had been no interruption. Act as if you are merely letting someone know they are unwittingly inconveniencing you; the same tone of voice in which you would say "Excuse me, you're standing on my foot" is ideal.

My mother has this horrible habit of asking questions that are far too personal. Recently, she asked friends of mine what they'd paid for their home. My friends were reluctant to reveal that information and said so, but my mother continued to press the point until everyone felt uncomfortable. The next time she directs a personal question (usually relating to money or relationships) at me or my friends, is there something I can do to keep the situation from becoming awkward?
K.L. in Watertown

Maybe it's your turn to ask some questions. Talk to your mother honestly about how her nosing for information makes you (and others) feel, and see if you can find out what's behind her need for this information. Maybe she feels left out of your life or frustrated with her own and wants to live vicariously through you and your friends - who knows? You certainly won't, unless you talk to her.

And after you've talked to her, start protecting yourself and your friends. You don't have to answer her questions just because she's your mother, you know. If you don't want to answer something, tell her that, even if she persists. Here's how the conversation might go: "So how much did you pay for your new sofa?" "I don't want to discuss it." "Why not?" "Because it's personal." "But I'm your mother." "Did you see Project Runway last night?" "So how much?" "Because I thought that off-the-shoulder chiffon number was terrific."

If she starts interrogating your friends, it is up to you to put a stop to it, because they will feel rude if they do so. Step in and say that the question she is asking won't be answered, and change the subject. Ignore any further attempts to dig for info, and be consistent. This may feel uncomfortable, but being firm is really the only way to stop the grilling.

My sons are sometimes invited to birthday parties at bowling alleys that also have arcade games. Because the kids are young, parents are usually welcome to stay for the parties. Is it appropriate for guest-parents to give their children quarters to play the arcade games during the party? The host will sometimes provide quarters for all the kids to play the games, but if not, I presume it's because he or she doesn't want the arcade games to be part of the festivities, and for the guests to do so seems to me an unfair and rude distraction.
A.D. in Clinton

You are right. Unless the host has announced that the arcade games are to be a part of things, parents should not encourage their children to play them. And not that you asked, but I also think hosts shouldn't provide quarters. Children need practice in social interaction, not more time spent in front of machines and video screens.

However, it is the hosts' choice, and it is also up to hosts to deal with parents who distribute quarters. If it doesn't bother the host to have half the guests bowling and half gaming, then it's not your responsibility to change the situation. For that matter, if it does bother the host, it's still not your responsibility. If the birthday kid's parents don't want the games to be part of the festivities, they should mention this to the other parents at the very beginning of the party, so that the children's expectations can be managed. Once the first quarter has been given to the first child, the dam has been breached and any subsequent attempt to ban the arcade games will be met with a ringing chorus of "No fair!" (an even more irritating sound than the bing and chatter of arcade games).

My Word!
While gas prices are high, we should all be especially considerate of folks who offer to be the designated driver for a night out, drive the kids to Chuck E. Cheese's, or provide a ride home from work when our car is in the shop. Offer to help with gas money or chip in to buy the driver's meal. Giving a friend a ride is an investment of more than time these days.

Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a Cambridge-based writer with a PhD in psychology.

ADVICE Chat with Miss Conduct at boston.com every first and third Wednesday, noon to 1 p.m.