Faux Jewelry But Genuine Compliments
When to confess it isn't real, plus meal requests and nuptial intentions.
I'm pregnant and my jewelry has become too tight. As a result, I recently had to switch from my regular engagement ring to a faux three-stone ring that I bought at a department store. The ring really sparkles, and I get lots of comments on it. Should I disclose to people that it isn't real or just go along with the compliments?
K.C. in Cambridge
I admire your scrupulous honesty, K.C., as well as your organizational skills and attention to fashion detail. Most pregnant women I know can barely manage to get their clothing organized as they gain weight, let alone replace accessories. Anyway, you needn't explain the humble origins of your substitute ring. People are complimenting the ring's appearance, not its provenance or value, so you're not misleading them by simply saying "Thank you." Of course, if you find the story mildly amusing, as I do, and want to share it with folks, you certainly may.
My husband and I have been invited to dinner at my boss's home, and husband keeps a kosher diet, while do not. He does not mind eating non-kosher home but will of course not eat meat mixed with dairy cheeseburger, for instance. Can tactfully mention his restrictions my boss, or should we decline?
J.K. in Cambridge
Unless you already know the dinner is a luau featuring roast pig, say something. Declining a dinner invitation with no explanation proposed alternative makes it seem as though you don't want to socialize with the inviter. That would unkind - and impolitic if said inviter is also your boss.
Here's the general rule of dietary restrictions: Hosts should ask, and guests should tell. A good host will ask in advance if there are any foods that the intended guests cannot eat, for reasons of ethics, aesthetics, or allergies. If the host forgets this, the guest can say something like "We'd love to join you next Saturday! Thank you so much for the invitation. I hope this is not an inconvenience, but I can't eat dairy. Is that OK with the menu you have planned?" To which the host will of course reply "That's fine!" even if he or she is privately thinking "What's wrong with Wensleydale?" Hosts would usually prefer to make some advance menu adjustments rather than sit through dinner watching their guests gamely shoving forbidden fruit around on their plates and making strained conversation to cover up their lack of appetite.
This is the case for most ordinary dinner parties, in which "advance menu adjustments" means making sure Dad buys halal beef for Dad's Famous Chili or ordering an extra few vegetarian sides from the caterer. At formal or very large events, the menu is planned far in advance and individual accommodations are difficult to make, so it is better for guests to keep their preferences to themselves and eat what they can.
My boyfriend and I have lived together for two of the six years we've been together. People won't stop asking us when we are going to get married, and I feel this is private matter that I shouldn't have to disclose. I don't ask anyone when they are going to have children, open an IRA, or go to the gym. Also, the engagement will be initiated by my boyfriend, so I don't understand why I am getting the inquiries. What do I tell them?
J.S. in Newton
If you can say it in a nice and funny way, and if the interrogator is someone you know fairly well, I think you could respond to "When are you guys getting married?" with "When are you going to open an IRA?" It's an amusing way of making the point that we all make life decisions at our own speed. There also nothing wrong with saying "I don't know. Ask my boyfriend!" - assuming your boyfriend is comfortable with that approach.
Perhaps the best answer, though, is "whenever we're ready." And, really, why get so irate about being asked? People care about your plans and are interested to hear about them. Is that so awful? There are loads of people who would love to talk about their relationships and wish that others would ask them questions. To paraphrase Oscar Wilde, the only thing worse than being asked personal questions is not being asked personal questions.
Also, while you are feeling that "people won't stop asking" about your plans, I expect that it isn't the same small cadre of people asking over and over, but rather many people, each asking once. You may still find it annoying, but it is not fair to blow up at the 1,000th person to inquire about your marital plans as if he or she had already asked you 999 times before. (If there are people in your life who keep harping on the issue, tell them - frankly - to stop it.)
Finally, while I'm not accusing you of this attitude, J.S., it is amusing how many people insist that their relationship is none of anyone else's business and then turn around and expect friends, family, and coworkers to cough up plenty of gifts once they do get engaged. For many people, apparently, "private matters" cease to be private once presents are at stake.
My Word!
During Ramadan, going on now, Muslims fast during daylight hours. As a minority in the United States, Muslims are used to fasting while others eat - but why not be considerate and think about canceling the standing order for doughnuts and coffee at the Monday morning staff meeting for the month?
Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a Cambridge-based writer with a PhD in psychology. 