Music Menace
When others' tunes are too loud, plus dearly departed professors and bullying toddlers.
Is there a polite way to ask someone on the T to turn down his or her music? It is annoying to have to listen to the humming of someone else's headphones.
D.L. in Acton
Yes, the polite way is to do something reasonably noninvasive to get the person's attention (wave a bit, or lean over and smile at him or her; don't poke) and indicate that you have something to say. When he or she has popped out the earplugs, say, "I'm sorry. I can hear your music. Do you mind turning it down?"
That's the polite way, which is what you asked for, but I won't guarantee that it will work, and I hereby indemnify myself from any consequences should you try to follow the advice above. A person who is listening to music on headphones loud enough for you to hear is a person who is deliberately engaging in an activity that will lead to significant hearing loss. Does that strike you as someone who is a good candidate for a logical discussion? No. Me neither. Some headphone fiends might be polite and accede to your request, but others may very well not and might subject you to quite a few noises that you'd find a good deal less pleasant than the whine of secondhand Christina Aguilera.
I would suggest instead that you be grateful for the fact that you are, in fact, able to hear another person's headphone hum. Those blasting out their eardrums with iPods probably can't hear such subtle sounds, you know, or won't be able to within a few years. Enjoy your good hearing, and, if you like, preserve it and your peace of mind with earplugs.
Recently I found out that a professor in the English department of my college did not have his contract renewed. I'd like to e-mail him to express my sadness that he will no longer be teaching at the school, but I don't know if this will upset him. What do you think?
D.D. in Peabody
Your former professor will be delighted to hear from you! Please do e-mail him. He may be feeling quite a range of emotions at the moment - anger, sadness, giddy relief, and nostalgia, to name a few. But one thing that will certainly be on his mind is the question of whether the time he spent as a teacher made any difference. Writing him and letting him know that he did make a difference, and will indeed be missed, will make him feel that it was worthwhile, after all. So often we don't think to compliment our teachers, bosses, parents, or others whom we see as "above" us. But praise and influence should flow in both directions. Your e-mail will make his day. (Do make sure you proof the e-mail before you send it, though. A misspelled and ungrammatical e-mail thanking your English professor for all he taught you will depress him!)
A friend has a 3 1/2-year-old son who is mean to my 1 1/2-year-old daughter every time they visit our house. He chases after her, stealing toys out of her hand, and makes mean faces. I don't want my daughter to feel intimidated or to learn rude habits. Visits usually end with him having a tantrum and kicking toys across the room as his parents look on in amazement. I don't know how involved I should get in setting limits for him in my own house. His parents don't seem to do this very often. I'm afraid I'm going to have to stop inviting them over.
M.E. in Wellesley
You could stop inviting them over, but that seems like a last resort. Let's back up and look at the issue in perspective. Why don't you want your daughter to be bullied? Partially, of course, because it makes her unhappy in the moment. But the larger reason, as you said, is because you don't want her to grow up to be a bully or a victim.
But no one is going to have a greater impact on your daughter's behavior than you do, and she will learn much more from your actions than from your words. In short, you should model the behavior you want your daughter to emulate. What kind of a woman do you want her to grow up to be? A calm, open-minded, assertive one? Then be that woman yourself.
Talk to the boy's parents. Perhaps they do not fully understand the problem with his behavior. Perhaps they do but are seeing it as isolated incidents and not as a pattern. Let them know that you are uncomfortable with his behavior but that you want to continue to let the children socialize. Ask the parents how you can solve the problem together. Granted, this conversation might be a little awkward. But if you allow yourself to be ruled by fear of confrontation or awkwardness, what kind of example are you setting for your child?
Intervention is necessary in early years, but when your daughter is old enough to "use her words," as the saying goes, try to let her work interpersonal problems out on her own as much as possible. Children need practice doing this. This doesn't mean you toss her to the wolves, but do try to help through coaching her in appropriate responses rather than swooping in to the rescue.
My Word!
It is possible to disagree civilly during an election season, but not if one repeats points made by talk-radio and TV personalities. Such "commentators" are entertainers, much like pro wrestlers, and their moves should not be attempted at home. You should no more use their language against Cousin Sarah than you would attempt to body-slam her to the floor.
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