Cube Courtesy

Every morning when I arrive at work, I say a general hello to all. My cube neighbor never acknowledges this gesture. Is this rude or is it me?

A.O. in Norwood

Your cube neighbor's behavior is somewhat rude, but it is your choice to get upset about it. If social psychologists worked on it (and they may well have - they're a devious bunch), they couldn't devise an environment more conducive to people getting on one another's nerves than the modern office "cube farm." Workers are expected to concentrate, conduct phone business, and maintain cordial relationships in these ridiculous and artificial environments that give the illusion of privacy with none of the substance. Someone is always talking when you want quiet, or being unresponsive when you want a bit of chat, or committing the unpardonable sin of having a noisy cold. I can't imagine any group of cube dwellers not irritating the living daylights out of one another unless they all had exactly the same work to do, the same need for companionship, and, ideally, mild cases of hearing loss.

Cube neighbors can get along better if they realize that their troubles aren't caused by "Mr. Sourpuss in 3-C" or "Little Miss Cheerful in 1-A," but by an environment that exacerbates differences in personality and work styles in a way that makes conflict all but inevitable. Or, to be a bit less highfalutin: Cut your neighbor some slack. You probably have some annoying habits you're not aware of, either.

We recently purchased a home on a dead-end street with mainly on-street parking. Our house is on a hill with a steep driveway, so we park on the street and leave the drive empty. Everyone on the street constantly uses our driveway to turn around in. have yet to meet most of my neighbors, and they do not even acknowledge the fact that we are living in the house, which was empty for two years before we moved in. What can do to stop this rude behavior?

E.M. in East Weymouth

The behavior doesn't seem all that rude to me unless they're barreling in and out at all hours in muffler-free lowriders with [insert whatever musical genre you find most obnoxious here] blaring out the windows. It sounds as though what's really bothering you is that people haven't come by to say hello, but New Englanders do tend to be bad about these kinds of proactive social graces.

All you know about your neighbors at the moment is that they use your driveway. I daresay they have other passions and concerns in life, too, some of which you might share or find interesting. So why don't you make the first friendly move and go around and introduce yourself? Your agenda on these visits is not to get them to stop using your driveway; it's to get to know them. Once you do, you can bring the topic up in a nonconfrontational way. Or perhaps by then it will have stopped bothering you and seem merely like a convenience you are happy to provide to those nice neighbors of yours.

I gave up drinking not too long ago. I've told best friends this news but not everyone. I do have friends who often center their social activities on alcohol. Do you have any suggestions on how to handle those folks when a social function comes up and I'm drinking Shirley Temples? I used to be one of the first to make a cocktail and start the festivities.

K.M. in Fort Lauderdale, Florida

the tone of your question whether you quit drinking or, you know, Quit Drinking. If you can still easily hang out with your hard-partying friends, you may not have had a serious dependency to begin with; these kinds of situations are usually very difficult for recovering alcoholics. If that's what you are, I'd strongly suggest you talk to a counselor or support group about how to create a new social life based in sobriety. That is a project requiring more than a quick fix of etiquette.

In fact, I think a more psychological approach is called for even if you didn't have a drinking problem. No matter how you handle the situation, sooner or later your friends are going to notice that you're not drinking and ask about it. Why do you not feel comfortable telling them that they've got a designated driver from now on? Do you think your choice would make them feel judged and uncomfortable? Are you afraid that you might someday backslide, and thus be embarrassed if everyone knew you fell off a wagon you were trying to stay on? Do you think you would sound preachy? Or that people would assume you had Quit Drinking when all you did was quit drinking?

Examine your feelings and assumptions about drinking, friendship, and communication. Talk about the situation to some of the friends who are in the know. There are a lot of ways you can handle relations with the tipplers in your life, but the best way is one that is based on awareness of yourself, your desires, and your values. Get some clarity there, and the rest may all fall into place.

My Word!

There is no correct amount to spend on a wedding present. What you spend should be determined by how close you are to the couple, how flush your financial situation is, and what their needs are (not by how fancy the wedding is, or even if you attended or not). Thoughtful beats expensive every day, though no one objects to both.

Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a Cambridge-based writer with a PhD in psychology.