Crimes of the Bark?

Confessing to a dog-bed heist, plus gift deception and snarky thank yous.

November 5, 2006

My neighbors' dog died recently, and I expressed my condolences. They threw away a couple of older dog beds, placing them on top of their trash cans. I spotted the beds and took them home for my dogs, planning to tell my neighbors what I had done. Shortly thereafter I ran into another neighbor and one of the dog owners, who mentioned that she couldn't believe someone stole the beds out of the trash. Flabbergasted, I just mumbled something. We recently moved to this neighborhood, and in our old neighborhood everyone would put out reusable things on trash day so that others could pick through them. What should I do? My husband says I should tell them, but I am so embarrassed and really feel pretty idiotic.
D.D. in Sharon

From an etiquette point of view, the answer is simple: Do you ever, ever think these people will visit you? If so, then you pretty much have to tell them that you took the beds or else risk looking very bad indeed if they come over and see your pooch snuggled down in their Toby's deathbed. Their reaction does seem a bit over the top. The concept of stealing from the trash makes little sense, unless your neighbors are celebrities of such fame that their detritus could net you a hefty profit on eBay. Nevertheless, people have their own views about privacy and property and all that, so if you do make the confession, explain that this was common practice in your old neighborhood, rather than attempting to persuade your new neighbor that her ideas about garbage sanctity are rather odd. Then again, the death of a pet is deeply upsetting, and Toby's bed might not be run-of-the-mill trash to them. Perhaps your neighbors wanted Toby's accouterments to be consigned to oblivion, because they would remind them of him. When the unhappy day arrives that my beloved Milo is chasing squirrels up in the sky, I wouldn't like to see another neighborhood dog sporting his collar and leash.

So much for etiquette. Now for hygiene: Do you want your dog sleeping in a bed that has been in the trash and in which another dog, possibly a sick one, slept? My veterinarian friend tells me that unless you can thoroughly cleanse both the outside and the stuffing of the beds with bleach and scalding water, the beds may carry parasites or germs that could make your own doggie sick.

Taking everything into consideration, I think the best solution is to get rid of the beds - surreptitiously, so your neighbors never know you took them in the first place.

I recently purchased a children's sweater for $6 at TJ Maxx as a gift. The sweater was in perfect condition and had the original manufacturer's tag on it, which read $30. I removed the actual price tag but left the manufacturer's tag with the price blacked out. I had a perfect-sized box from an upscale children's boutique, and I mailed the sweater in it. Is this gift deception? Need I let the mom know the true origins of the gift?
M.B. in Braintree

I love how you ask, "Is this gift deception?" as though "gift deception" were some recognized category of behavior like "white-collar crime." It's a great concept. I hope your happy phrase enters the lexicon like Seinfeld's "regifting" did.

Linguistic issues aside, yes, this was gift deception, and I suspect you know it, too, or you wouldn't have written in to ask me about it. But your intentions were surely innocent. I don't think you need to make a big dramatic confession to the recipient of the $6 sweater. Just mention it casually sometime. If you don't say anything, your friend may feel obligated to get you or your child a similarly "expensive" gift that she may not be able to comfortably afford.

I often receive notes from someone post-holiday or for other big events that say "I appreciate the effort" instead of "Thank you." I suspect it's a cutting remark, especially because the notes are short and impersonal. I find this quite rude. Am I overreacting, or should I just welcome the gesture?
J.N. in Cambridge

It sounds to me as though you're asking, "Should I make myself unhappy or not?" If that's your question, then the answer is clear: Be thankful that you got a thank you note at all in these benighted and uncivil days, and move on. Also, some people have the notion that it is in bad form for a thank you note to include the actual words "thank you." This is a writing superstition - like the idea that it is bad form to begin a sentence with "But." But there you are, and perhaps your note writer is laboring under this misconception. Or perhaps he or she really is being snarky and passive-aggressive. Is that kind of behavior characteristic in other situations? If so, you may want to think about why you are inviting this person to your house at all. If not, assume good intentions and don't go around making yourself miserable.

My Word!

Sadie Hawkins Day, when women traditionally take the role of the pursuer in romantic aff airs, is just around the corner. Women can ask men out nowadays without raising eyebrows, of course. But, ladies, if you have a man in your life, why not buy him some flowers or candy and take him out for a nice dinner? Men deserve to be wooed and won, too.

ADVICE Chat with Miss Conduct at boston.com every first and third Wednesday, noon to 1 p.m.

Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a Cambridge-based writer with a PhD in psychology.

QUESTIONS? Write to missconduct@globe.com or The Boston Globe Magazine /Miss Conduct, PO Box 55819, Boston, MA 02205-5819.