Quelling Condo Incivility

People who just rented the condo downstairs from me park in others' spaces (despite receiving parking rules), play their music so loudly vibrations come up through my floor, and congregate outside and are so noisy that I have to close my windows. I am avoiding direct confrontation because I expect trouble. What's the best way to handle this?

E.A. in Melrose

Talk to the owner of the condo, that is, the annoying new renters' landlord. The landlord is responsible for the behavior of his or her tenants. I'm sure the behavior is bothering others in your building, too, so you might also check in with your condo's board of trustees and see if they have a preferred way of dealing with the situation. You don't have to handle this situation on your own.

I recently applied for a job and apartment, both of which involved giving references. Several of my references were contacted more than once. When listing personal references in the future, should I have a few possibilities, so as not to inconvenience anyone more than once? Also, how should I show appreciation to those who gave glowing reviews, and should I use different approaches for friends and colleagues as opposed to former landlords and bosses?

S.C. in Beverly

You are so considerate! I bet people are just delighted to give good references for you.

It is good to have a few possibilities for personal references and even for professional ones, if you can manage manage it. I've found it useful, when giving references, to list what kind of information each of my references can most easily give (for example: "This is someone I worked with two years ago - she knows about my teamwork ability"). This helps the person who's calling your references to keep the conversation focused, avoids wasting your references' time by being asked things they don't know the answer to, and makes you look professional and organized in the bargain.

Generally, bosses, teachers, and landlords will consider giving references as part of their job, though of course they want to be appreciated for it. The best way to show that appreciation is by keeping in touch and sending them a thank you note. (You can wait to send this until after you've heard back about the job or apartment, so that you'll be able to let them know how things turned out.) Friends and colleagues can be thanked with a phone call. The main thing in both cases is to let people know that they've made a difference in your life - this is always an exciting thing to hear and makes people feel good. The level of formality isn't tied to whether the person is an authority figure or a peer, per se, but to how close you are.

If you got your dream job or apartment, you might want to pump up the thank yous with flowers, a lunch invitation, or a small gift. Or once your new apartment is set up, invite the friends who served as references over for cocktails or dinner. If you've got something in your life to celebrate, celebrate it with the people who helped you get there.

A co-worker gave me a rather expensive magazine subscription as a holiday gift last year. When I stopped receiving the publication after a few issues, I called the magazine and was told the subscription had been suspended for nonpayment. Should I keep quiet about this, or is there a tactful way to raise the topic without harming our friendship or causing her needless mortification?

S.B. in Nashua

I was initially going to tell you to keep quiet, because that is my natural inclination when potentially embarrassing money matters are on the table. (Maybe it's my Midwestern roots.) Then I had a brainstorm and remembered that I am married to a magazine publisher, who might be able to give more informed advice. And he said I was dead wrong and that you ought to say something.

First of all, he said it is very easy for magazines' subscription and fulfillment departments to make mistakes about this kind of thing, so it's possible that your friend isn't nonpaying, but that you are just non-getting. He added that if your friend ever finds out about the fact that you aren't receiving the issues and that you called the publisher and didn't say anything to her, she will be very embarrassed.

He didn't suggest what to say to your friend, however (he has his limits). If I were you, I'd tell her how much I've enjoyed the magazine and then ask her if she's ever had any trouble with getting her issues on time, assuming she also subscribes. Tell her you hadn't gotten any issues for a while and called the magazine, and they said there was some kind of problem but were vague about it. (This is plausible.) Then she can either volunteer to call them and straighten things out, admit that she's having financial problems, or be vague and noncommittal. If it's the last one, don't pursue the topic further.

My Word!

Members of many demographic and occupational groups - teenagers, the overweight, stay-at-home parents, wait staff , and others - are often the target of misconceptions or bad behavior. What do you wish the rest of the world knew about folks like you? Write to missconduct@globe.com, and your (polite, of course) comment may make it into the weekly "My Word!" feature.

Write to missconduct@globe.com or The Boston Globe Magazine/Miss Conduct, PO Box 5819, Boston, MA 02205-5819.