A Salt and Pepper Treaty

Is it rude to put salt and pepper on your food before you taste it? To me, it seems insulting to the chef, since you are implying the food isn't properly seasoned. Plus, you could end up with too much salt and pepper if you don't taste it first.

D.B. in Arlington

You are right on both counts, and on one you didn't mention, which is that most people consume far too much salt anyway. The main exception these days is the much-fetishized Freshly Ground Pepper on salads at restaurants; your waiter can Freshly Grind it onto your greens before you taste them.

Some guests of my potluck party left behind dishes. One of the dishes has stamped on the back: "Not for food use. May poison food." When the owner makes himself or herself known, should I mention this? I don't want to accuse anyone of trying to poison us. But if he or she is using this plate for food at home and hasn't noticed the warning, it could mean trouble down the road.

C.P. in Boston

For heaven's sake, of course you should mention it! Your guest isn't going to think you're accusing him or her of a deliberate attempt on your life. Unless of course you do something like stick a note on the bottom of the dish inscribed with those famous lines from The Merchant of Venice: "If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you poison us, do we not die? And if you wrong us, shall we not revenge?" But you probably wouldn't do something like that.

Point out the warning and mention that the "may" in "may poison food" seems to have been the operative word, since everyone survived your party intact (they did, didn't they?), but that you wanted your friend to know about the warning for his or her own safety. I doubt your friend will take offense.

I work with a woman who for years has never said hello first to any of her colleagues and who never inquires about anyone's lives. This wouldn't be an issue, except she takes the first opening in any conversation to talk about herself and her family at length. We are all polite and listen, yet the conversation is never reciprocal. I want to scream "Why is everything about you?" but, at my most frustrated, I just avoid her so that I won't feel so irritated. Any suggestions?

A.B. in Hampton, New Hampshire

Let it go. Yes, her rampant self-centeredness is annoying, and I'm not condoning it, but this woman is not a friend or family member - she is a work associate. If she is a responsible and cooperative colleague, that's all you can ask for. Her personality is not going to change, and attempts on your part to change it could backfire badly on your work relationship. All of us in the workplace have a limited amount of social capital that we can use to influence the behavior of others. Don't blow yours on trying to get a competent worker to be a more charming person. Instead, practice meditation, keep up the avoidance, focus your conversations on the projects at hand, or learn to find amusement value in her utter predictability - whatever will enable you to get through the day in productive peace.

If you are invited to a wedding and do not go, how much of a gift should you give? Can it be less than if you were going to attend?

D.R. in Natick

A wedding invitation is a request to share in a couple's joy, not a tax assessment on your friendship. Wedding presents are never required, because presents, by definition, are freely given. If you cannot afford a present, by all means still attend the wedding. You can always give a present later, if you want. (Traditional etiquette differs on how long you have after the wedding to give a present. Common sense, on the other hand, says that no one has ever refused a gift because it came "too late." Besides, belated presents spread out the thank you note-writing chores.)

That said, if people love you enough to want you with them at one of the most important events in their lives, then you, presumably, love them enough to want to give them something by way of celebrating their future and thanking them for including you. If you don't feel this way, you should probably reevaluate the relationship.

There is no set amount to be spent on a wedding present. Choose a present based on your closeness to the couple, your budget, and their need. (That sounds rather Marxist, I know, but there it is.) The cost of the wedding has nothing to do with the cost of your present; nor does it matter whether you attend the wedding or not. In fact, while I'm not proposing this as a rule, it seems to me that if you can't attend, you might like to get them something even nicer than you normally would, to make up for the fact that you can't be there. And send a note along with it expressing how disappointed you are not to be able to come.

Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a Cambridge-based writer with a PhD in psychology.