Working the Room
Networking dos and don'ts, plus waitstaff greetings and intrusive neighbors.
My boss likes to bring me to business networking parties. She takes me around the room, interrupts conversations, introduces me, tells a short tale, and then moves on. I always feel a bit uncomfortable in these situations. I never know if I can keep chatting with these people on my own or if I should follow her to the next group (almost like a puppy dog). What do you think?
D.R. in Boston
You don't know much about puppy dogs, do you? Because a dog – for example, my beloved Milo – in this situation would not meekly follow the boss (me) hither and yon. Instead, he would begin to scope out the territory on his own, decide for himself what he wanted to chase after or dig into, and check back in periodically with me to make sure that all was well. Milo has a few social habits that aren't worthy of emulation, or of description in a family newspaper, but in this case, he's an excellent role model.
Your boss is trying to help you advance your career, and your first order of business ought to be to thank her for her mentorship. Let her know that you appreciate being taken out and introduced to the people in her network. This isn't just apple polishing – research shows that having a boss who's willing to be a real mentor, especially in terms of helping her proteges get connected to a good professional network, can have a major impact on a person's career. So thank her for the opportunity she's giving you and then start capitalizing on it a little more. Strike out on your own a bit at these parties. Stay in an interesting conversation, if you find one, and check in with your boss from time to time. Perhaps you could even introduce her to someone she's yet to meet and who might benefit her own career. Don't expect these parties to feel comfortable right off the bat. "Working the room" is a notoriously difficult thing to do, and it can be tricky for two people – whether business associates or a romantic couple – to develop a rhythm, so give it time.
I have a beef with restaurant servers who walk up to the table and ask, "How are you guys doing tonight?" I am a woman, and I think it is fair to say that I don't remotely look like a guy. How does one respond to waitstaff that address anyone, young or old, male or female, as "you guys"?
C.G. in Essex
You respond by saying, "Fine, thanks," and placing your order. Waitstaff have a hard enough job as it is without being picked on for their language. "Guys" is generally accepted in the plural for women as well as men these days; you wouldn't call an individual woman a "guy," but for a mixed group, it's appropriate, if informal. And it would somehow seem awfully silly to be asked "How are you this evening, ladies and gentlemen?" at Applebee's. I'd even argue that addressing an all-female group as "guys" is not a cardinal sin, given that servers have more on their minds than dilemmas of prescriptive linguistics and gender norms. Currently, there simply are no unproblematic words in the English language to address a group of women. "Girls" is unacceptable; "ladies" sounds pretentious and objectionable to some; "women" may sound too political. Kindness to waitstaff is a value that trumps nearly any other, for both ethical and pragmatic issues. Snap at servers for calling you "guys" in the dining room, and they'll call you much worse in the kitchen – where, never forget, they are alone with your food.
A new neighbor, who is single, visits my family whenever she wants, even in the middle of the day and during dinnertime. She never calls first; she just rings our doorbell. My husband won't send her away. She seems nice, but I can't stand the rudeness of her visiting every other day whenever she pleases. What can I say to her to make her stop?
C.L. in Newton
Don't be too quick to judge your neighbor's impulsive friendliness as rudeness; in some parts of the country, and some cultures, spontaneous drop-ins are considered a fine and cheer-bringing custom. Which doesn't mean that you need to put up with it if it brings you irritation rather than cheer. The next time she drops by, simply say, "I'm sorry, I'd love to chat, but this isn't a good time. Could you call next time, please?" This is perfectly polite, and your neighbor ought to get the hint after you've gone through this routine a few times. The technique will be most effective if you call her now and then and invite her over, so she can see how it works. (This is called shaping the behavior you'd like to encourage.) I'd strongly advise you to discuss this strategy with your husband, however, and make sure you both handle the situation the same way. Otherwise, you'll be sending her mixed signals – or, worse yet, the erroneous signal that your husband is a warm and delightful man married to a coldhearted witch.
Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a Cambridge-based writer with a PhD in psychology. 