In Praise of Inferior Gifts

My children go to an affluent school, and the teachers often receive extravagant presents from parents: Hermes scarves, gift cards to fancy restaurants, and tickets to the opera. I feel obligated to buy gifts, usually bookstore gift cards, but in the past few years my kids have asked why we don't give their teachers fancy gifts. What's the proper thing to do?
A.S. in Chestnut Hill The proper thing to do is to answer your children's question. Why don't you give the teachers extravagant gifts? Do you feel the gift giving in your school is a competition of conspicuous consumption? Do you believe that expensive presents ought to go only to family and close friends? Do you not have the money for Hermes scarves and opera tickets?

Explain your reasons to your children, and let it be the start of a conversation on values and material circumstances, how these vary from person to person and family to family, and why yours are what they are. If you're not in the designer-scarves-and-Don Giovanni bracket, talk to your children about that. Surely they will have already noticed that their classmates have things they don't. If it goes against your values to spend so lavishly, explain why thrift and modesty are important to you.

These conversations might be awkward at times, but if children don't learn about money and values at home, they'll just have to rely on what they pick up on the street, and we don't want that, do we? Ideally, your children will learn to feel neither shame nor pride about their material circumstances but accept them as a matter of fact and will cherish their own values while recognizing the importance of treating others with respect.

When hors d'oeuvres are being passed at a party by the hostess or waitstaff, is it polite to ask what they are, assuming they are not easily recognizable? I am reluctant to do this, as I do not want to appear picky or impolite, and so often simply say "no, thank you" rather than risk accepting something I do not care for.
C.C. in Peabody

If there is some specific food you can't eat for whatever reason – pork, cilantro, peanuts – it's fine to ask the hostess or waitstaff if the Unidentified Flavorful Object contains the forbidden foodstuff. But don't request a complete list of every ingredient hiding in that mysterious phyllo-wrapped trapezoid. Be prepared for the fact that the waitstaff at parties held at homes, offices, and the like are often hired just for the evening and may not know the exact ingredients of what they're serving. You can also say, with big-eyed enthusiasm, "Oooh, what are those?" It's not rude not to be able to identify an hors d'oeuvre. Fried, stuffed, and/or wrapped tidbits all look pretty much the same. If said tidbit is something that doesn't appeal, then regretfully decline, with a tone of "how I wish I could" – not "how revolting."

I am a woman married to a woman, and my sister, who is getting married, asked me how she should address an invitation envelope to a same-sex couple. I didn't know the answer. Does the answer depend on whether the couple is married or whether they share a last name?
H.P. in Medford

Even among heterosexuals, traditions about last names and honorifics are changing fast, so better to rely on flexible principles rather than rigid rules. Treat men and women and straight and gay couples equally, and name everyone who is invited on the envelope. (This isn't just for politeness, but also protection – otherwise, there's no telling who your guests might decide to bring along with them.)

For informal invitations, no honorifics are necessary. Address everyone by their first name and whatever last name they use. An invitation can go to "John and Mary Onefish," or "John Onefish and Mary Onefish-Twofish," or "John Redfish and Sam Bluefish." Or, if the kids are invited, too: "The Onefish Family," or "John Redfish, Sam Bluefish, and Sally Redblue."

For formal invitations (as for weddings), honorifics are necessary, but everyone should still get the respect of being addressed by his or her own first name. "Mr. John Onefish and Ms. Mary Onefish." (Or "Mrs.," if she prefers that.) Or "Ms. Mary Redfish and Ms. Joanna Bluefish."

The names of unmarried couples (straight or gay) should go on one line, just as the names of married couples do. If a couple is committed enough to be sharing the same address, it is presumptuous of an invitation-sender to typographically imply that their relationship is second-rate.

Finally, invitees should be tolerant if an invitation is not addressed to their liking. Customs are changing fast, and people who are giving weddings or big parties have more to worry about than the exquisite political nuances of envelope addressing.

Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a Cambridge-based writer with a PhD in psychology.