Whose Holiday Is It, Anyway?

My husband and I are Jewish. My father-in-law, a non-practicing Jew, is remarried to a Christian woman, and every year they throw a “holiday warm-up party,” which features a Christmas tree, Nativity scenes, and Christmas decorations and music. I feel it's insensitive that the party doesn't recognize our faith, such as with Hanukkah decorations. Once our child is born, my husband and I think he or she will be confused by a Christmas party at his or her grandparents' house. Are we making a bigger deal out of this than need be?
B.J. in Worcester

I think you are being overly touchy. There's nothing insensitive about having a Christmas party and inviting guests who don't celebrate Christmas themselves. Calling it a “holiday” party when it is really a Christmas party may be inaccurate but is probably meant as a gesture of inclusion. And why should your in-laws, or anyone, put up decorations for a holiday they don't celebrate? If you invited them for Passover, would you make Easter eggs for your Christian mother-in-law? Your child will probably not even notice discrepancies for some time. The only thing more astonishing than what children do pay attention to is what they don't. When your child is old enough, explain to him or her that there are all kinds of ways to be Jewish and that not everyone does or believes the same thing, even in the same family. (For help with these kinds of discussions, visit interfaithfamily.com. It's a terrific site with lots of advice and information.)

I enjoy making handmade gifts but don't always have the time to do so. Some friends and relatives seem to feel entitled to these gifts and act offended (sometimes jokingly, but sometimes quite seriously) if they receive something store-bought. I know this is a sign of how much they value my handwork, but I'm never sure how to respond.
Anonymous in Cambridge

Your friends and family seem to be rather unclear on the concept of “gifts,” don't they? Gifts are freely given. You don't owe people handmade presents when you're short of time, any more than you owe them extravagant gifts when you're short of cash. But you know this. It's how to tactfully convey the message to them that's a problem.

If the comment is joking, reply in kind: “Does that mean you'll come over next year and clean my house/walk my dog/baby-sit my toddler so I'll have time to make gifts?” or “Are you kidding? I don't even have time to glue macaroni to an orange-juice container and paint it gold these days.” If people are serious, have a serious talk. Say that your handworked gifts are made in the spirit of joy and generosity, not grim compulsion, and that surely they can understand that. They should then refrain from laying on a guilt trip when circumstances prevent you from doing what you'd like.

I am a college student who lives in a dorm with a central hallway. I don't have roommates, and so often I keep my door open to prevent myself from being overly antisocial. I have noticed at least two people circling my hall weeknights talking on their cellphones for up to 30 minutes. I do not mind if people are going from one place to another and having a brief phone conversation, but these long conversations are annoying to hear. Is it reasonable to ask these people to talk elsewhere, and, if so, how? Or should I just shut my door?
L.J. in Newton

When I last lived in a dorm, L.J., leggings were fashionable the first time around (along with mismatched earrings and off-the-shoulder sweat shirts) and cellphones had yet to be invented. So I asked the students in my social psychology class, who have had much more recent experience of dorm life, what they thought of your dilemma.

They were unanimous that you ought to just shut the door. As they pointed out, the talkers' roommates may be sleeping or studying or God knows what else, and the cellphones in question may not be able to get a signal everywhere, so the talkers' options might be limited. The fact that the talkers are circling, rather than parking themselves directly outside your door, was also considered to be a relevant variable. (We tried to discuss this in terms of “variables.” It was a psychology class after all.) There was a consensus that dorms cannot be expected to provide a high level of privacy or seclusion.

If you do decide to confront the talkers, my class recommended leaning out your door and making the universally recognized “annoyed face” at them. But they didn't think this was a good course of action. One class member suggested talking to the RA, but this was met with a rumble of discontent. In short, your best option is to shut the door and, as one student pointed out, at least be glad that people aren't playing hockey in your hall all hours of the night like they used to do in his dorm.

Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a Cambridge-based writer with a PhD in psychology.