Pound Foolish
The dos and don'ts of complimenting weight loss, plus sales come-ons, potluck politeness, and deceased ex-in-laws.
Why do women feel it is appropriate to greet you with the question “Have you lost weight?” Am I the only woman who believes this is the rudest thing to say? I would rather be greeted with “You look great!” than what I believe to be the hidden comment of “Gosh, were you fat! Glad to see you are on the road to recovery!”
Anonymous in Cambridge
You may be the only woman who thinks “Have you lost weight?” is the rudest thing to say to another woman (I can think of quite a few ruder things, and I bet you could, too, if you put your mind to it), but you’re not alone in thinking it’s rude. You are also not joined unanimously in that sentiment. I conducted an informal poll, and about half of the women thought that being asked “Have you lost weight?” would be insulting, and half were utterly delighted at the prospect. (I am in the latter category myself.) So you can easily imagine that if the first person that Bridget O’Flattery ever asked the question of squealed with delight and said, “Yes! Five pounds! You’re the first person who’s noticed! Let’s go shopping for skinny pants!” then Bridget might get the idea that this is a good question to go around asking. There’s not necessarily a hidden message of “Thank God, you’ve finally done something about yourself.” In fact, my own experience suggests that many people, both men and women, ask “Have you lost weight?” as a sort of meaningless pleasantry. This phenomenon may suggest disturbing things about society’s body-image issues, but it need not suggest anything disturbing about the figure of the person who is being asked the question.
As general advice, people who are kind enough to give compliments should avoid phrasing them in a way that can be interpreted as criticism, and people who are lucky enough to receive compliments should avoid interpreting them as hidden criticism.
My infant’s day-care provider has become a dealer of cookware and other kitchen products. To help her launch the business, I purchased something, even though the prices are high. Recently I found a new catalog in my daughter’s diaper bag with a note “reminding” me I can host a product party, during which she would demonstrate products. How can I tell her “No” in a nice way, keeping in mind that she cares for my daughter each day?
K.C. in Amesbury
You needn’t respond to the first reminder. She is probably sending them far and wide and won’t necessarily expect to hear back. If she sends you another note or approaches you directly, tell her that you wish her all the best in her new endeavor but aren’t able to host a party. You needn’t give an excuse – you’re the parent of an infant, working outside the home, and that is excuse enough to say no to anything. You’re not obligated to support her other business, just to treat her considerately and compensate her fairly as your daughter’s day-care provider, which I’m sure she realizes. People who go into sales quickly learn to deal with polite rejections. If you honestly think she is the sort of person who would hold this against you and let it affect the way she cares for your daughter, then start looking for another child-care solution ASAP.
My sisters and I alternate houses to celebrate holidays and usually ask everyone to bring a dish. Recently, I asked one sister to bring a vegetable side dish (but not salad). She told me her dish would require 60 minutes in my oven. Since I’d need the oven to cook the entree and another side dish, I said she could only bring an item that needed reheating. As a potluck guest, I’d never rely on the host’s stove or oven for cooking. What do you think?
C.P. in Carlisle
What your sister mostly did wrong was to demand oven time (at least, this is the impression I get from your letter) rather than asking if it was possible for her to use your oven. You are right that, in general, potluck guests ought not impose on a host’s or hostess’s kitchen capabilities. If the hostess and guests are close, however, then it’s fine to inquire if the oven or stove top will be free. The guest should be ready to graciously suggest an alternative dish if facilities aren’t available.
I am a divorced woman who wonders what is the correct way to refer to my ex-husband’s mother. She died several years before we divorced, and I find myself describing her as my late mother-in-law, since that had been my habit. Is she now an ex-mother-in-law or a late and ex-mother-in-law?
M.E. in Andover
Goodness, the woman must have had quite an impact on you for you to still be talking about her after all this time! Why not refer to her as your “former mother-in-law”? This conveys both that she once was your mother-in-law and that she once was, without being unnervingly specific.
My Word!
Don’t undermine others’
attempts to teach good
manners to their children or
pets. If someone wants his or
her child to call you Mr. or Mrs.,
don’t insist on being called by
your fi rst name. If a dog jumps
on you and the owner calls
“Off ,” wait until the dog is
sitting quietly before petting it.
Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a Cambridge-based writer with a PhD in psychology. 