Back in the Game

As soon as it was reported that New England Patriots star quarterback Tom Brady had split with actress Bridget Moynahan, my friends and colleagues were shaking their heads. "Gay," said Evan. "I knew he was gay." Joyce pointed to a newspaper article suggesting that Moynahan, 36, wants to start a family, while Brady, 29, wants to play football. "Tom can't commit," she sighed. "What's wrong with him?"

It goes to show that celebrities are no more immune than the rest of us to the notion that single people have something to fess up to. It is a truth universally acknowledged that a rich, tall, good-looking guy without a wife must be either a closeted homosexual or a commitment-phobe. Single women are granted a wider range of issues – we can be crazy or career-obsessed, have bad taste or bad luck – but we are suspect nonetheless.

Never mind that as of 2006, more than half of American adults were not married. And never mind that in the words of playwright George Bernard Shaw, "hardly anyone is too ugly or disagreeable to find a wife or a husband if he or she wants one, whilst many old maids and bachelors are above the average in quality and culture." The perception lingers that singles are miserably stuck in the remainders bin. Just ask anyone who has ever been told: You're so nice (or pretty or non-psychotic). How come you're still single?

And yet singles aren't remainders; officially, we're now the majority. Perversely, perhaps that's why we fetishize marriage as much as we do. We tend to value rare things, after all. As far as I can tell, the quickest way for a celebrity to get on a magazine cover these days isn't a new movie or even a midfield brawl – it's a wedding and/or a pregnancy. Being in a happy couple, more unlikely than ever, is in.

So it will be interesting to see how Tom Brady tackles his new single status, especially if it continues for any length of time. I remember about four months after my last long relationship ended, I started getting comments like "What, you're not with someone new? I can't believe nobody's snapped you up!" Never mind that these remarks were intended warmly. They still made me wonder why, exactly, nobody had snapped me up. I felt my defensive hackles rising, and I'm not even a football player.

What seems to happen to a lot of singles is that we go on the offensive. The problem, we say, isn't us. It's the lack of eligible men (or women) in the world and the challenge of meeting them, given the hectic pace of our busy, fabulous lives. Sometimes, we smugly declare that we aren't willing to "settle for less than the best," as if to imply that all our coupled friends have.

So I wonder: Will we soon hear Brady declare that he's too busy pursuing his many passions for a serious girlfriend? Will he insist that he wants to play the field romantically as well as professionally? Or will he do what more of us (partnered and not) probably ought to do, which is to acknowledge that the single status should not require an explanation? A lot of finding a partner is just plain old luck. There's nothing necessarily wrong with you if you haven't found that person yet and nothing necessarily right with you if you have.

But trust me, Tom. If you stay single for a while, people will start talking, and you'll have to stand strong. Tune out the gossips. Ignore the friends who urge you to get over Bridget, if you're not over Bridget, or get back together with Bridget, or do anything you don't want to do. Just because being coupled is in doesn't mean you can't take your time. If friends and paparazzi bug you, remind them that you're only 29. If they keep bugging you, remind them that good things take time.

And if they keep bugging you and the pressure starts to build? Here's the good news: I can help. I know a really great woman who is closer to your age than Bridget. Like Bridget, she's got a career – but it's way more flexible than "movie star." I'd be happy to tell you more about her. Maybe over a drink?

Alison Lobron lives in Concord. E-mail comments to coupling@globe.com.