Deciding the Fate of Misfit Gifts

I am close with people from diverse backgrounds, with accordingly diverse tastes. Each year I receive more gifts that I don't want – ugly throw pillows, sets of china, kitschy earrings. Most gifts come from people I spend a lot of time with and have over to my place, so they know when I don't use the gifts. I live in a small apartment and don't have room to store extra lamps just so I can pull them out for certain visitors. What can I do with these gifts?
ANONYMOUS in Boston

One thing you can do is stop the flow of gifts entirely. The next time a holiday or birthday looms, ask your friends well in advance if you could take each other to dinner or to a play or concert rather than giving presents. Most people have too much stuff as it is, and plenty of restaurants they'd like to try, or bands they'd like to hear, or shows they'd like to see. The suggestion to spend money on events rather than things is usually greeted enthusiastically.

As to what to do with the things you already have – well, the earrings can be kept, if not worn. And keep the china; you can never have too many plates, and once the food's on them, you can't see the design. For larger items, the question becomes how sensitive your friends are. Would Ugly-Pillow Betty be insulted if, say, you were to tell her that you gave the pillows to a friend's little sister who was setting up her dorm room and needed to make it homey, or to another friend who thought they were just the thing to enliven her new IKEA couch? Or, given the smallness of your apartment, you could say that though you love the lamp (of unparalleled hideousness), you simply don't have room for it and are keeping it in storage until you have a larger place. In short, a bit of principled hedging is called for, if you can get away with it. If not, you will need to decide if maintaining the purity of your decor is worth hurting the feelings of your friends.

Several of my friends have recently exited long-term relationships, some more painfully than others. As a result, our weekly "girl talk" has become a place for exaltations of the single life and condemnations of every Y-chromosomed creature alive – to which I try to contribute despite having my own signifi cant other. I know many of them are hurt and need a safe place to talk about their problems, and I'm happy to provide that. Still, when they declare "All relationships are doomed anyway!" and "No one who is attached is truly happy!" I feel a little wounded. Is there a nice way to say, "OK, man-bashing hour is over"?
E.W. in Providence

Whether your friends realize it or not, they are insulting the way you have chosen to live, and you don't have to be silent about it. If you were a lesbian, would you hang out regularly with people who insisted that your sexual preference would consign you to hell? If you were a devout Christian, would you meekly listen to your friends ascribe all the evils of the world to organized religion?

Which doesn't mean you need to start a fight. Often, people in a group will make more extreme statements than they would on their own and will go along with more outrageous things than they really agree with deep down. This could be part of what's going on. Depending on the dynamics, you might want to talk to the group at large or have a few private conversations with the ringleaders. In either case, ask them to keep the vitriol focused on individual situations – their lousy exes, their happiness with single life – and not to generalize in a way that denigrates you and your significant other. (Or that will embarrass them later, once the loudest man-bashers find themselves happily partnered again.)

And you needn't participate in the bashing yourself. A good general rule is not to say anything about relationships or the opposite sex that you wouldn't say in front of your partner.

When I first joined my large company five years ago, I asked that my birth date not be shared with my colleagues. My birthday is personal, and I do not care to receive e-cards from co-workers I hardly know who simply put my birth date in their calendar. I have a new manager who kindly sent me an e-card, and I kindly thanked her and asked that she remove my name from the birthday list. I now found out that the manager distributed the list to my co-workers in the field. She told me to contact my colleagues to tell them to remove my name, but I think she should because she is the one who distributed it. Your thoughts?
L.L. in Quincy

Contact the colleagues yourself, or better yet, apologize to your boss for your bad attitude and be happy if people send you good wishes. Your new manager wants to be friendly and welcoming. It's neither kind nor politic to reject her efforts and try to saddle her with an annoying and time-consuming chore.

MY WORD
If friends are planning a wedding or other major event, ask them if there will be any guest they'd like you to look after. Especially at big family occasions, many people have someone they are obliged to invite but whose behavior they're worried about (the shy cousin, the alcoholic aunt, the too-political nephew). You'll do a great service to your friends by offering to keep an eye out for these folks.

Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a Cambridge-based writer with a PhD in psychology.

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