The Curse of the Meddling Landlord
How to get him to back off, plus dealing with bilingual co-workers and exuberant lesbians.
My new landlord, who lives in the building, frequently knocks on my door to point out simple changes he's made to the house or to ask a question. Although he is well-intentioned, I don't like being disturbed for non-urgent issues and find myself being curt with him. Is it unreasonable for me to consider the knocking rude? And what can I say to discontinue non-urgent visits?
D.A. in Westford
It's not unreasonable to want to be left alone, but do try to be charitable toward your landlord. Just because a person's behavior is annoying doesn't mean it was intended to annoy. (And, hey, at least he does knock.) He probably thinks he's being a good communicator and solicitous of your welfare. Or maybe he's lonely.
Don't answer the door the next time he knocks, even if it's obvious you're home. For all he'll know, you could be deep in concentration writing the Great American Novel or baking cookies with your hands all covered in butter and flour. Then the next time you see him, mention that you heard him knock but couldn't come to the door. Ask him what he wanted to tell you and say that sometimes you're not available and that he can leave a phone message or a note. A few more instances of this, and he'll get the idea. He may still come by more often than you'd like, but once you realize that you need only answer the door when you want to, it won't seem like quite such an intrusion.
I work in an office that serves English speakers and recent immigrants who speak Spanish. Several employees perform bilingual duties with clients, and these workers sometimes continue to speak in Spanish among themselves in work-related conversations. This leaves the English-only speakers, including myself, feeling excluded. What's the solution?
W.T. in Gloucester
As a general rule, it is rude to speak a language in the workplace that not everyone can understand, but in an office that serves a clientele that includes non-English speakers, some flexibility is in order. People who are multilingual often sort memories, information, or relationships into different languages. If Bonnie Bilingual speaks to her client Enrique in Spanish, she will probably find it easier to remember information about Enrique and discuss his case in Spanish.
It sounds as if this is what's going on in your office, rather than the deliberate use of Spanish to exclude the English-only crowd. Why don't you talk to your bilingual co-workers? Let them know that you understand why it's easier for them to confer about a Spanish-speaking client in Spanish, but that you'd appreciate it if, after having had these discussions, they'd remember to tell you and the other monolingual folks anything that you would need or might want to know.
If the Spanish conversations seem to be hampering work, speak to your boss. But keep in mind that restrictions on speaking Spanish might hurt both morale and productivity.
I am a teenage girl at a pretty typical New England boarding school, and I get along well with my roommate. She has recently come out as a lesbian, and her sexuality is now all she talks about. At a school where everyone's pretty mellow about sexual orientation, her behavior is grating, and straight and gay kids alike keep telling me how she's getting annoying. People seem to expect me, as her roommate, to get her to chill out. However, I don't want to upset her and create an uncomfortable living situation. Also, I'm sensitive to the fact that she is young and newly out and that her exuberance may be covering up insecurities. What should I do?
J.S. in Tewksbury
Are you really a teenage girl, or are you an indie scriptwriter hoping I'll provide the next plot twist for your edgy romantic comedy? Either way, thank you for the most entertaining letter I've had in some time.
You are not your roommate's keeper, and you don't have to coach her on proper coming-out etiquette because other people expect you to. If her behavior annoys you, say something, but if not, let it go. Tell those who are bothered to take it up with her themselves. If you try to initiate a conversation on their behalf, it will almost certainly devolve into a "Yes, but exactly who said what?" inquisition that will be uncomfortable for both of you.
You seem to have a wise and tolerant attitude about your roommate's stage in life. In the high school and college years, we not only begin to learn who we are but also how to present ourselves to other people - and learning this invariably involves some embarrassment and missteps. Also, when people adopt a new identity of any sort - religious, occupational, parental, whatever - they are often a bit overzealous at first, until the novelty has worn off and they feel secure in their new role. Eventually, your roommate will calm down and realize that being gay is only one aspect of who she is.
My Word!
If you notice something terribly awry with another person's appearance - an open zipper or misplaced spinach - say something if there is something he or she can do about it and if it's before some big event. If the problem can't be fixed, or if you notice that zipper right after the person has made a public speech, it's kinder to say nothing.
Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a Cambridge-based writer with a PhD in psychology. 