Seeking Quiet on Work Trips

After a long day interacting with my colleague on a business trip, the last thing I want to do is spend my free time with him. However, at times I feel obligated to go to dinner with him. Is there a polite way to tell him that when the workday is over, I would rather be by myself?

M.L. in Bedford

There's no need to have a big "Look, Bob, we need to talk" conversation. You can simply say something like "Whew, what a day! See you tomorrow" and head out the door at day's end. If Bob suggests dinner, tell him that you're tired and plan to get room service and veg out with pay-per-view, or that you've never been to the city before and would like to do a bit of exploring on your own, or that you have a mild headache and need to retire early, or that you want to go for a solitary walk and think about the McGuffin case. In other words, it's not about not wanting to be with Bob (a negative); it's about wanting some time alone (a positive).

And do have dinner with Bob occasionally. It doesn't mean you need to spend every waking hour with him; it's simply a collegial thing to do. If Bob's company isn't enjoyable, think of the dinner as a brief extension of the workday, which will make the solitude and silence of your hotel room all the more delightful when you finally get to experience it.

My son was recently invited to a "sweet 16" party at a local country club. The invitation said the party was semiformal, so I had him dress in a blazer, button-down shirt, tie, slacks, and nice shoes. He was the only boy who showed up in a jacket and tie. Can you please give me a definition of the current dress code, because in my day (and I'm not that old), semiformal meant jackets and ties for the guys and dresses for the girls.

L.A. in Medway

"Semiformal attire" in fact means suits for men, so your kid was actually underdressed. Or underdressed and overdressed at the same time, which gets to the heart of the problem. While etiquette books confidently state what "semiformal" means, in real life this is like saying you know what X is in an algebra equation. You can't know what X is until you know what all the other terms are - in the case of party attire, the age of the participants, fanciness of venue, geographical location, ethnic subculture, and time of day, for starters. (It's a long and complicated process, solving for X.) If you're unsure, it's never a bad idea to call another attendee or the host or hostess and ask them what they'll be wearing. A jacket and tie for a major party at a country club seems entirely reasonable to me as well, but I'm not a 16-year-old boy. Had you consulted some, you might have discovered otherwise.

And because ideas of appropriate party dress vary wildly, it's also a good idea to learn to carry off being conspicuously over- or underdressed with panache, since sooner or later you will inevitably guess wrong. You can tell your son that you provided him with a valuable chance to practice this important skill - if he's still talking to you.

My best friend's boyfriend previously was my boyfriend. My friend recently invited me to dinner with them, and because I feel uncomfortable being around him I declined. Then, when at my house, she checked my calendar for an open day and asked me again. I agreed, because I didn't want to tell her the truth. (Earlier, I had told her it was fine that she was going out with him.) I don't know how I will act around him. Everyone says to act normal, but it's hard to do. I also still have feelings for him, but I don't want to show them for fear of embarrassment. Could you please tell me how I should act?

E.B. in Newton

I think you need to stop acting entirely; it's acting that has gotten you into this mess. You've been trying to be terribly above it all and selfless, and your emotions haven't caught up with your good intentions. And they might not in the near future, either (emotions are stubborn that way). Talk to your best friend openly, and let her know that you are uncomfortable being around her and her new (and your old) boyfriend. There's a tradition that friends don't date each other's exes, which probably makes sense to you now. However, since you did give your permission for the relationship, you can't very well ask them to break up. You needn't tell her you still have feelings for him - but if she is your best friend, and intuitive, she may well twig this on her own, so be prepared.

And take heart. Sooner or later, they will probably break up, or you will find someone wonderful and bask smugly in the knowledge that you got Mr. Right and she had Mr. Second Best.

My Word!

This Friday is national Australia Day (in Australia, that is), so let's take a moment to celebrate our friends of down under. The Aussies have a phrase, "No worries," that means "You're welcome," "Yes, I can," "I forgive you," and pretty much anything else they want it to mean. It also makes a nice toast. To no worries, for all of us!