I Am the Boss of You

For a long time, I’ve had this fantasy about being a dictator, running everyone’s lives, telling them what they can and cannot do. To get there, though, I figured I’d have to seize control of some tiny Third World country. Turns out, I was wrong. All I need do is become a CEO.

My model is The Scotts Co., whose fertilizer keeps suburban lawns across America green and weed-free. Last year, Scotts fired Bourne employee Scott Rodrigues for smoking – at home, not on the job – leading Rodrigues to sue his former employer. Scotts prohibits any employees from smoking, ever. The company says it cares about their health, which, I think, is the way any benevolent dictator should feel. Still, why stop at smoking?

Take HIV, which is at least as dangerous as smoking. If I ran Scotts, I’d impose a rule requiring all of my employees to have protected sex. I realize that enforcing this rule might be a problem. With smoking, I can figure out if my employees are puffing away by checking their urine. The protected sex thing would be more difficult. It would probably require private investigators or video cameras in my employees’ bedrooms. I suppose some would object, thinking this an invasion of privacy. But really, didn’t we already cross that line when we started watching our employees pee in cups? And besides, it’s for their own good. As CEO, I really care about my employees’ health. Any worries about privacy are easily trumped by the prospects of disease, death, and, needless to say, my rising health insurance premiums.

Naturally, I’d also require my employees to eat right and exercise regularly. But, now that I think about it, there’s more to health than just the condition of our bodies. How about my employees’ mental, moral, and spiritual health? Shouldn’t I care about those as well?

Certainly. That’s why when I’m CEO of Scotts, I’ll require all of my employees to be married. Married people are more stable members of the community. They’re happier, apt to live longer, and won’t be out all night on the prowl.

And when my employees have children, I’m going to make them read to the kids at least an hour a night. I also want the kids taken to church, mosque, or synagogue each week. You see, I care.

In addition, my employees will have to live within a 10-minute drive of the office. I don’t want them wasting time and gas on long trips back and forth from home. Unreasonable, you say? Hardly. Boston requires most city employees to live in the city. If the government can tell its workers where to make their homes, why can’t I?

Here are a few other rules for my employees: If you don’t vote on Election Day or cheer on the Red Sox, you’re fired – I’m a big supporter of democracy and the hometown team. If you start cheating on your spouse, you’re fired, too. I cherish family values. And while I encourage you to get involved in your community, don’t become a loudmouth or speak ill of the president. And, most especially, don’t start protesting against chemical pollutants – that’s our business, after all.

You’re probably wondering, what about the First Amendment and freedom of speech? Read it: “Congress shall make no law. . . .” Congress, not companies. I’m exempt from the Constitution. In any event, no one is compelled to work for me. If you don’t want to live the way I think you should live, well, then, don’t work for me. Of course, when my fellow CEOs start doing the same things as me, it may mean you won’t be able to find a job at all. Too bad. We don’t owe you a living.

Sure, labor activists might push the state to ban employers like me from running our employees’ lives. But I doubt that would happen. Unions have collapsed – today only 8 percent of nongovernmental workers are unionized, meaning they’re pushovers. For too long the workers have been in control. No more. The CEOs are ascendant. It’s our turn to rule the world.

Tom Keane, a Boston-based freelance writer, contributes regularly to the Globe Magazine. E-mail him at tomkeane@tomkeane.com.