Playing Coaster Cop
CAN YOU TELL GUESTS WHERE TO STICK THEIR DRINKS? PLUS RULES FOR DIAPER CHANGING, MP3S, AND BABY SHOWERS.
My husband and I host regular dinner parties for 10 or so friends. Several guests put drinks down without coasters and take appetizers without plates, leaving a trail of condensation rings and crumbs. Can I expect guests to follow house rules? If so, what should I say so I don’t ruin the fun mood of the evening?
R.F. in Haverhill
Of course it’s appropriate to expect guests to honor your wishes when in your house, especially when your wishes are so terribly reasonable. However, chasing merrymakers about all evening with coasters and tiny plates isn’t going to enhance their good time – or yours. And you won’t catch them all anyway; at some point your back will be turned and a drippy (glass) bottom will descend upon your lovely coffee table. So why play coaster cop? Play engineer instead and invest in some inexpensive but sturdy tablecloths and runners to adorn all flat surfaces. And resign yourself to crumbs. No matter how tidy guests are, entertaining invariably entails a thorough sweep or vacuum the day after.
The other day in a cafe, I saw a mother changing her infant’s diaper on the bench of a booth. I was too shocked to say anything. This cafe does not have a changing table in the restrooms, but the restrooms are private, lockable rooms and have ample floor space for diaper changing. Am I right to think this behavior is completely out of line? Should I have said something? When I am in a restaurant with my toddler, I always try to make sure we are not disrupting other patrons.
C.C. in Somerville
The mother’s behavior was out of line, but what exactly would you have said? Either the woman is one of those horribly entitled parents who believe that because they have given birth, the rest of the world must bend itself to their convenience, or else she was a decent sort who felt herself to be in an emergency situation. In either case, it would seem unwise to anger her when she had the admirable projectile of a soiled diaper in her hand. You might have alerted the manager that he should wipe the booth down afterward – and give serious thought to installing a changing table.
I asked several friends of mine – good smart moms all – about the situation. Opinions varied, but they all agreed that changing the baby in the booth was an option of last resort. One advised that in such a situation the mother should tell the manager, who might be able to provide some more private area. Others suggested changing the child in the car, if available, or using a changing pad and doing the diapering on the sink area of the bathroom, if room. I’ll give the final word to the good smart mother who pointed out astutely, “Breast-feeding moms have been protesting all over the place lately about being asked to nurse their babies in the restroom. They say that their babies shouldn’t have to eat in the bathroom. Which is true. In the same spirit, diners in a restaurant shouldn’t be forced to eat in an impromptu bathroom, either.”
I often notice people in coffee shops and pharmacies placing orders while listening to their MP3 players. I’m a teenager, and I always take my earbuds out before I talk to a clerk. Is there a correct way to act in this situation?
C.S. in Wellesley
Yes, and it’s the way you are acting. Thank you for giving me, and all of my readers, hope for the younger generation.
My mother is hosting a baby shower for me. Should she extend invitations to my husband’s family and my mother-in-law’s friends? Or is it my mother-in-law’s responsibility to host something, if she’s so inclined? I don’t feel that my mother needs to incur the additional cost of inviting these folks, but she wants to do the right thing and avoid creating any ill will.
K.M. in Boston
“Incur the additional cost of inviting these folks”?! These are your child’s future grandparents, aunts, and potential baby sitters you’re talking about, not a gang of schnorrers hoping to scarf up all the spinach dip and fruit punch. You need to change your attitude fast and acknowledge that “these folks” are not “your husband’s family” anymore, but yours, too. If people wish to celebrate the coming birth of your child, and provide you with onesies and Raffi CDs, the proper response is gratitude that you are part of such a warm, supportive family and community. The shower is not a treat you are giving them, it is a benefit they are giving you.
It is certainly not your mother-in-law’s responsibility to host a shower herself for her own friends. It is generally considered poor form for future grandparents to host a shower, anyway. Although this rule is loosening up in some circles, your mother-in-law may be old school, and good for her if she is.
Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a Cambridge-based writer with a PhD in psychology. 