Express-Lane Violations
The rules of grocery-store checkouts, plus BYOB parties and group-gift gripes.
Whenever I run to the market, I ask a homebound neighbor if she needs anything. Recently she gave me a list of 10 or 11 items, and I was buying about the same number of things from my wife's list. I used the store's express checkout (for 12 items or fewer) and separated the two orders. A customer behind me reprimanded me for using the express lane since I had more than 12 items, and when I explained it was two different orders, he laughed and said, “Next time I have 100 items, I'll just say it's 10 separate orders.” Was I out of line?
N.L. in Concord, New Hampshire
You should have been out of line – the express line, that is. The idea behind express lanes is to allow people with a small number of items to move through the checkout process more quickly. Hence, the “12 Items or Fewer” (and how I do love stores with signs that get that phrase grammatically correct, instead of “12 Items or Less”) diktat refers to the number of items permitted the customer in line. The question of the ultimate recipient of said items is irrelevant. You're clearly a stand-up guy, what with shopping for the homebound neighbor and all; people so often don't even get to know their neighbors these days, let alone do favors for them. Next time, stand up in the correct lane.
I graduated from college in May, and my friends and I are still adjusting to life after school. Recently I was invited to a party at another graduate's apartment. Two days before the party, she sent out an e-mail stating the party was BYOB. I was shocked. I think you shouldn't have a party if you cannot stock your house, and I think it's rude to imply that guests wouldn't bring something out of courtesy. I decided to skip the party because I thought it was in such bad taste. Am I overreacting? Are we still young enough that this sort of suggestion is appropriate?
S.R. in Boston
Yes, you overreacted, and rather severely, too, but don't beat yourself up over it; excessively dramatic reactions to social situations are part of what it means to be young. So are BYOB parties. Your friend did nothing wrong. Unless you're all business majors with cushy internships at Goldman Sachs who can afford to appoint a lavish bar, it's entirely reasonable to have BYOB parties. Think of them as “booze potlucks,” if that makes the practice more amenable to you. A host's main duties are to provide a comfortable atmosphere in which people can warm themselves in the glow of sympathetic company and to let guests know what the evening will consist of. Your friend, presumably, did both. One of the bittersweet joys of growing up is noticing how the parties change over the years. The food gets better and the hours earlier. The chances of emotional gossip-fodder scenes decline, and the chances of productive networking improve. Guests drink less and bring more. By one's early 30s, in fact, it can be quite possible for hosts to have more liquor in their possession at the end of the night than they did at the beginning. This evolution happens slowly, and you'll deprive yourself of the small but very real joy of observing it if you are in too much of a hurry to push yourself or your friends into entertaining like the older grown-ups.
I always seem to be the one taking up collections from my friends when flowers or gifts need to be sent. Chasing people for money is not fun, and I'm at the point where I would prefer to give gifts on my own or have someone else organize group gifts. How can I address this without feeling awkward?
E.R. in Boston
This issue may seem like a bigger deal to you than it would to your friends. They are not intentionally taking advantage of your organizational skills. It's just that whenever one person in a group regularly assumes a particular responsibility, a kind of social inertia takes over, and often no one else even thinks to volunteer. So it's usually up to the person who's always the organizer, the designated driver, the host, or whatever to suggest that someone else step up to the plate. The next time some flower- or gift-worthy situation occurs, say something like, “Hey, Julie's getting foot surgery next week. I'm going to send her a plant on my own unless anyone else wants to organize some kind of group gift.” If no one volunteers, send the bonsai under your own name.
Whatever you do, don't wait until you get a case of rage-toads about it. (Longtime readers of Miss Conduct will remember that sometimes when we swallow our anger at friends, it grows into warty little rage-toads in our bellies instead, and one day we open our mouths with the most innocent of intentions and the toads pop out.) Spewing invective about why it always has to be you who does everything would be unfair to your well-meaning friends, who probably thought you enjoyed playing gift-drive organizer.
My Word
Emily Post’s 1942 advice for hosts is still very much true today: “The best, the only advice that is worth anything at all is to give your friends the best that you easily can and to invite people because you like them and not to worry about what can’t be helped.”
Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a Cambridge-based writer with a PhD in psychology. 