The Virtue of Biting Your Tongue

Recently I was sitting outside Starbucks, indulging in my coffee-and-cigarette ritual. A woman exited the shop, looked at me, and uttered “Ew!” I assume she was passing judgment on my smoking habit. I know secondhand smoke is harmful, but I was nowhere near the door, and this woman jumped into an SUV that spewed exhaust in my face as she drove away. This is not the first time someone has publicly disapproved of my smoking. I would never dream of walking by an obese person and saying “Gross!” or commenting on a fellow diner’s choice of escargot with “Ick!” Can you address the issue of restraint in regard to commenting on others’ personal habits that you don’t agree with?
K.E. in Brighton

I’ve been waiting to do just that for years, so thanks for the soapbox. People ought to keep a respectful silence about the personal habits of others, as long as said habits are being indulged in a legal and noninvasive fashion. (If you feel that smokers ought not to be allowed to smoke anywhere but in their own homes, then work for legislation banning public smoking. Don’t snark at individuals exercising their legal rights.) Not only is it rude to offer unsolicited commentary on how others choose to provide themselves with clothing, food, entertainment, or enlightenment, but it is also pointless. Has anyone ever changed his mind about anything because a stranger has publicly disapproved of it? If anything, such ill-expressed disdain would probably make the criticized person feel all the more defensive about and committed to his maligned behavior. I bet you lit another cigarette a little sooner than you ordinarily would have that day – and enjoyed sucking in a sense of self-righteous indignation along with the burn.

We live in a diverse society in which people’s values and pleasures differ enormously. If your blood pressure rises when you see people holding hands with their same-sex partners, or wearing fur, or driving an SUV, or doing any of the thousands of other things to which someone could conceivably object – then take a deep breath and think for a moment of how many of your own habits could be considered objectionable, and how much you rely every day upon the forbearance of others. And go on your way in peaceable quiet.

I have a teacher who frequently addresses members of her sophomore and junior classes as “sweetie.” I’m uncomfortable being called “sweetie” by someone who’s not very close to me. How can I ask her to refrain from addressing me this way without offending or upsetting her?
E.J. in Boston

Your teacher probably doesn’t mean to be inappropriately personal. Here’s the thing: There are dozens if not hundreds of you and only one of her. Many of you are new to her class, and she’s probably heard in advance about only a handful of you. So you really have the edge on her in terms of remembering names. The “sweeties” may be her way of covering up the occasional memory lapse. Or perhaps it’s a habit she’s not even conscious of.

This isn’t to say you have to put up with being addressed in a way that makes you uncomfortable. A friend of mine who is a high school teacher suggested that you approach Ms. Sweetie either before or after school, because teachers are often busy and distracted before or between classes. She also suggested that you might talk to the teacher’s superior, so as to keep it anonymous. The teacher can then just be told that students in her class don’t feel comfortable.

If you decide to approach her directly, a good trick to remember in any kind of awkward conversation is to plan something else to say after you’ve said the awkward bit, so that you aren’t standing there looking at each other and thinking “Oy.” So you say something like “I feel kind of silly mentioning this, and I know you don’t mean anything by it, but it makes me uncomfortable when you call me ‘sweetie.’ I hope you don’t mind my saying that.” And she says, “Of course not, swee – E.J. Thanks for bringing it up. I’ll try to watch it. Be patient with me if I slip occasionally, though.” And you say, “Yeah, sure. Thanks! Hey, by the way, that was a good lecture on the second law of thermodynamics this afternoon. Now I understand why my bedroom gets the way it does sometimes.” And you both laugh and go on your way.

When you are served eggs, bacon, and toast, is it permissible to eat the bacon with your fingers, or should you use a fork?
J.D. in West Roxbury

You may eat bacon with your fingers if you can eat bacon with your fingers. In other words, if the bacon is fried delectably crisp and greaseless, it can be eaten as a finger food. If it is limp and soggy (as it unfortunately so often is), then use a knife and fork. The presence or absence of accompanying eggs and toast are irrelevant.

My Word

This month marks my second anniversary as Miss Conduct. As a great supporter of thank you notes, I’d be amiss if I didn’t take the opportunity to thank all of you whose questions have made this column such fun to write and to everyone who has e-mailed or written to me or visited my chats. Thank you all, and may we continue uncovering and solving problems together for many years!

Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a Cambridge-based writer with a PhD in psychology.