Stop Being So Shy

I attended a brunch put on by my alma mater at the home of an alum. Round tables for nine were set up. My husband (not an alum) and I sat at different tables, as it is my understanding that you shouldn’t sit next to your spouse at social meals. The college president, host, hostess, host’s brother, and host’s sister-in-law (also an alum) all sat at one table. Shouldn’t these people have split up? Among the ordinary folks, I also noticed a tendency to clump together in family groups. I would have had more fun sitting with my husband, but I thought the point of events like this was to socialize and branch out. What do you think?

Z.M. in Boston

I think I like you, that’s what I think. Anyone who would have “more fun” at a social event with her husband than anyone else has a good attitude. Also, you were right to split up and try to meet new people, and it’s a shame that more folks didn’t follow your example.

It does seem people are becoming more insular these days. We shuffle the music on our iPods rather than tuning in to a radio station to hear something different. We shop online and avoid contact with sales staff and other customers. We learn about current events from radio and television shows, blogs, and magazines that reinforce our existing political beliefs. We customize our existence, choosing the comfort of the known over the shock of the new.

I don’t think this is a good social trend, although I’d need more space than I have in this column to explain why. And part of the trend is that people often stick with those they know at social gatherings, rather than do what you did and meet new folks. There may also be a regional component to this; Bostonians are very upfront about their opinions but can be quite shy about introducing themselves or greeting strangers. There’s not much you can do to chivy people out of their cocoons, but keep up your good social habits, and perhaps others will get the idea. And don’t feel that by doing so you’ll sacrifice having fun with your husband. After all, one of the great joys of marriage is swapping stories and gossip after a party, and by splitting up, you’ll double your chances of hearing something juicy.

My husband and I recently received an invitation to our niece’s third birthday party. Enclosed was a list of suggested gifts, which I found bold and even offensive. I’ve taken an informal poll of my mommy friends: Most are appalled and find gift lists tacky. A few applauded my sister-in-law’s practicality, because she will avoid unnecessary returns. In our circle of friends, we’re more likely to see “no gifts please” or “in lieu of gifts, we’d love a donation to Children’s Hospital.” Am I being a prude, or are gift lists the wave of the future for children’s birthday parties?

M.S. in Mansfield

They may well be the wave of the future; not all progress is to the good, you know. The best way to discourage this trend would be to ignore it. Get your niece something that’s not on the list, or go ahead and make a donation to Children’s Hospital Boston (or some other child-benefiting organization) in her name instead. If your sister-in-law is churlish enough to ask why you didn’t get something on the list, reply cheerfully that you don’t “do” gift lists, and then change the subject.

My elderly mother is a very discreet alcoholic who is going to have a knee replacement soon. She informed her medical team that she consumes two alcoholic drinks a day, but, in fact, she has many more. I feel the truth would serve her best, but how can I handle this? She is the “Old Ironsides” of denial.

L.B. in Roslindale

You don’t need to tackle your mother’s denial for her doctor to get the facts. Approach her physician privately and tell him or her that you are concerned about your mother’s alcohol consumption. I’ve spoken to a couple of doctors about this, and they’ve assured me that (1) doctors definitely want to know these things; (2) they usually have a gut feeling if someone’s not being honest about how much they drink, smoke, etc., and the truth is rarely a complete surprise; and (3) relatives give them the straight dope about things like this all the time, so don’t feel bad. Let the doctor know that you are not asking for any confidential information about your mother, and that you would appreciate confidentiality in return. (It isn’t as though the doctor would go running back to your mother, saying, “Your son says you’re a big ol’ lush! Neener, neener, neener!” but being upfront about confidentiality issues might give you peace of mind.)

My Word

We should never be surprised by another person’s ignorance or embarrassed to admit our own. It is difficult to confess that we don’t know something, but as they say about aging, the alternative – in this case, pretending to know something you don’t – is worse.

Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a Cambridge-based writer with a PhD in psychology.