To: You From: Me Subject: I Do

My friend is considering proposing marriage to his girlfriend by using a mini Web page that will pop up on his girlfriend’s computer when she hits the F12 button. The page will have a photo of the couple with an overlaid picture of an engagement ring and the text "Will you marry me?" I’d say my friend is off to a bad start and should propose in a much more personal way. The girlfriend wants a restaurant table for two or a beach or Fenway Park, not a computer display!

P.M. in Brighton

If you must do anything at all, encourage your friend in his little proposal hack. What the heck, why not suggest he add check boxes to the pop-up with the options "Yes," "No," "We need to talk," and "Joined Peace Corps. Leave for Moldova tomorrow. Don’t call." He can arrange it so her response will be directly transmitted to his e-mail account, as he waits breathlessly, hitting "Check Mail" over and over and chanting "Hit F12. Hit F12. Hit F12" to himself.

You see, your friend’s girlfriend needs to know what she is getting into if she decides to marry this man. If you stage-manage his proposal, she’ll get an erroneous idea of how much romance to expect in her marriage. Do you plan to help him choose an appropriately romantic honeymoon destination, too? And decades’ worth of anniversary, birthday, and Valentine’s Day gifts? If not, then butt out now. (If you do intend to play romance coach for the duration of their relationship, don’t blame me if your life turns into an Information Age version of Cyrano de Bergerac.) A woman who wants to dine by candlelight deserves to know if she will be spending her married life dining by the glow of the laptop screen.

And your friend deserves someone who will appreciate his creativity and quirkiness. Many women would find such a proposal charming and offbeat, reflecting a fair amount of effort and ingenuity. And say what you will, it’s certainly not a cliche, like the old hide-the-ring-in-the-dessert trick. An evening of Cinderella romance is intoxicating, but a lifetime of laughs and free in-house tech support is even better. Let your friend be himself. If his girlfriend isn’t charmed, she’s not the one for him.

At a work meeting with about 20 people, not all of us knew one another, so we went around the room introducing ourselves. One co-worker (I’ll call him "Joe") introduced himself and then said, "I’m the lead person from [our group] on this project." That was news to me; I was under the impression we were a team. When it was my turn, I introduced myself and added ". . . and I’ll arm-wrestle Joe later." Did I do wrong? What would you have done?

C.B. in Belmont

It seems to me that you handled it well by making a comment that could be passed off as a joke if it turned out that Joe had been, unbeknownst to you, asked to head the team. Such communication mishaps can happen on projects. Whether or not Joe is the team leader is not a subjective matter, like "Is Joe the best-dressed guy on the team?" Joe either is the team leader or he isn’t. Go to whoever is running the project and find out. If it turns out Joe isn’t in charge, let the project manager know that the team members need more clarity about who’s reporting to whom. If he is, apologize to Joe and explain that you hadn’t been informed.

I’m sure you’ve probably answered this question a zillion times before. I’m hosting a themed baby shower (afternoon tea, with ladies in dresses and hats), and I want to let the guests know that their children are not invited. Can I actually put something on the invitation stating this? Or do I just suck it up and expect that some will bring their children no matter what?

S.M. in San Diego

I’m charmed by your belief that if you did state explicitly that children were not invited, none would be brought. The aforementioned zillions of times I’ve answered this question – and those like it – have led me to believe that even if you stationed a notice outside the venue reading, "You must be as tall as this sign to enter the shower," you’d still find yourself with a handful of uninvited kids snatching at the cucumber sandwiches and mini-eclairs.

So there’s no point being both rude and ineffectual. Address the invitations to the specific individuals who are invited, and omit the names of those who are not, and hope for the best. You can, when people call to RSVP, reiterate the formality of the event and mention that you don’t think it will be a fun thing for children, so you are hoping they can get a baby sitter. Another alternative, if you can arrange it, would be to hire a baby sitter and set aside a room for the children to cavort in. This would not only solve the problem of unexpected wee guests, but would also be a kindness to attendees whose child-care arrangements fall through at the last minute.

My Word
This Wednesday is Pi Day, celebrated on March 14 because 3.14 are the first three digits of the number pi. March 14 is also the birthday of Albert Einstein. In honor of Pi Day 2007 and Einstein’s birthday, why not send a thank you note to a math or science teacher who has made a difference in your or your child’s life? If he or she was an especially memorable teacher, you could even send a pie.

Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a Cambridge-based writer with a PhD in psychology.