'Retarded' Objections

I am the parent of a developmentally disabled child. Friends and colleagues who are aware of this still often use the word “retarded” to describe things they find funny, different, disappointing, frustrating, difficult, or stupid. I know they don’t intend to insult me, but I cringe every time I hear that word. I tell myself these people are just speaking thoughtlessly. I don’t like to correct others and feel that doing so would only make me feel isolated and stigmatized, especially when it occurs in a group situation. What are your thoughts?
L.G. in Boston

I can’t make this one easy for you, L.G. You’re not comfortable hearing the word “retarded” used in a colloquial, insensitive way, and you’re not comfortable confronting people about it. But think of this: You say you would feel “isolated and stigmatized” if you were to correct people, but don’t you already feel that way when they call the latest celebrity scandal or company cost-cutting initiative “retarded”? And wouldn’t you like to do what you can to save other parents of developmentally disabled children the same feelings?

To speak up or not is your choice. But keep in mind that you don’t have to make a big moralizing speech in order to correct people, especially since your friends and colleagues know about your child. The next time someone says something like “This new policy is retarded,” you could reply, “I think you mean ‘dumb, time-wasting, and misguided.’ ” They’ll get the message. You are obviously an articulate person, and if you make the alternative to “retarded” even more colorful, you can make your point clearly, but in a way that amuses rather than chastens people. How would you feel saying something like “Paris Hilton is not ‘retarded.’ She is a threat to all that is dear and holy in our civilization”? I find it a rather satisfying statement, myself.

Despite societal ambivalence on the ethics of pirating music, I feel the conduct amounts to theft. When friends ask to copy from my collection, I am unsure how to respond. I feel some guilt enabling the behavior, yet I do not want to police others. I would unquestionably lend a recording for listening only and wonder if any withholding would encourage friends to conceal their intent. What do you recommend?
O.C. in Somerville

It’s tricky when well-meaning people have different moral beliefs. In a diverse society, we all face the challenge of doing the right thing without being a big sanctimonious pain in the collective butt of our fellow citizens.

One of the best ways of navigating this terrain is by acknowledging that people have different values. This allows you to assert yourself without implicitly judging others. The next time a friend says, “Oooh! You have Jerry Orbach’s Off Broadway! I’ve been dying to hear that! Can I copy it?” you say, “I know there are different schools of thought about this, but copying music bothers me. I’m happy to lend it to you if you just want to listen to it, though.” If your friends are true friends, they will honor your request out of respect for you, even if they don’t share your scruples.

My downstairs neighbor, with whom I’m friendly, has taken to playing loud music almost daily. As the day wears on, the music gets louder. This happens as early as 8 a.m. and even later than 11 p.m. I have asked a couple of times if she could turn it down, and she has complied, but the next day it is back to the same too-loud volume. How can this be handled?
M.C. in Watertown

The nice thing about this problem is that, unlike so many social irritants, it can be quantitatively assessed. There is no dial that measures the smelliness of an office-mate’s lunch or the nosiness of an in-law’s questions. So right there, you’ve got a significant advantage in problem solving.

Since you’ve already had a few conversations with your neighbor about this, start the problem-solving session by saying that you know it’s a nuisance when you keep nagging her about the music. Point out that it would be easier if you could both agree on a livable volume level for the times when you are at home. Then conduct a little experiment together in which you go to your apartment while she gradually increases the volume. When she hits the maximum that you are comfortable with, bang on the floor. (Or whatever other method you’ve worked out.) Then she’ll know that she can go to 11, or whatever volume is comfortable, without incurring an unhappy neighbor. Have some wine and cheese while you’re conducting the experiment and make it a social thing. Since you’ve already been hearing a lot of her music, you probably have some idea of what her tastes are, so perhaps you can get a little CD exchange going or have a nice discussion about the merits of opera versus hip-hop.

My Word
What overweight people wish everyone knew: They are aware of their appearance. They are as intelligent as anyone else. They are capable of love and sex and work. They have probably tried that new diet you just heard about. And if you think they have no self-discipline, pause a moment to think of the remarkable restraint they exercise given the cruelty and prejudice they face every day. (Thanks to the readers who wrote in about this.) Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a Cambridge-based writer with a PhD in psychology.