A Gift Gone Wrong

For Christmas, my husband gave me four theater tickets and said, “When we go to the play. . . .” I replied, “When we go?” I felt that since he had given me the tickets as a gift, I could invite whoever I wanted – maybe three girlfriends. In the end, I went with my husband. He suggested giving the other two tickets to his sister and her daughter. I’m annoyed that he would have any say over how the tickets were used. What do you think?

A.G. in Chelmsford

I think you and your husband had fundamentally different ideas about the nature of the gift. When you opened the tickets, you heard, “Here are four tickets to Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?” However, the message your husband intended was “I’d like to take you and two of our friends out for a night at the theater, where we can revel in the superiority of our own marriage to the one portrayed on stage. I hope. Please.”

And I’m on your husband’s side. Though the tickets were technically your property, you seem to be missing the spirit of the thing. Your husband is your date for life, and many women would be delighted to have such a problem as husbands who wanted to go to the theater with them. It’s not like getting tickets from a business associate, which carry with them no expectation that the experience will be a shared one.

I do think he should have left the question of who else to invite up to you. However, your letter suggests that he only mentioned his sister and niece after you had shown little interest in inviting anyone else, in which case he was right not to want the other tickets to go to waste.

“Did you get my e-mail?” was the way a friend recently started a phone conversation. Her e-mail, sent days before, was interesting but contained neither a query nor information begging for a response. I heard a clear “Why didn’t you respond to me?” in her tone. When correspondence comes with no obvious question, whether it’s sent electronically or by mail, how long do you have to respond?

G.K. in Somerville

There really aren’t any rules for this sort of thing, and if there were, people would ignore them. Factors like time pressure, writing style (are you a breezy-note person or a long-thoughtful-monograph person?), and psychological makeup (are you an intimacy person or a “give me my space” person?) are going to have a lot more sway over correspondence behavior than rules in a book ever could.

When you and a friend have different expectations, you have two choices on how to deal with it. One is to go along with your friend’s preferences and know that an e-mail or letter from Cozy Cara requires a response pronto. A brief note or e-mail saying, “Wow, how interesting! I can’t write much now but let’s talk soon. I’ve been thinking about you” should be enough. Or you can gradually accustom your correspondents to your own style. For example, you could have said, “Oh, I don’t always get around to responding to e-mails right away – but that was so interesting what you were saying about the connections between Buddhist philosophy and neuroscience.” Eventually C.C. will learn that a lack of immediate response does not mean a lack of sympathy or affection.

My husband shovels food into his mouth, chews loudly, and hangs his arms around his plate as if he’s protecting it from thieving diners. When it’s just the two of us, I can’t say I notice this much, but it bothers me when we’re dining with others. I’d like to know how to approach him about this without making him feel as if he is being attacked.

S.C. in Southborough

Goodness, it sounds as though he already thinks he is being attacked, perhaps by invisible wolverines hellbent on stealing his fettuccine Alfredo. You know your husband better than I, but my instinct would be to take a straightforward approach. Sometimes if you’re overly tactful and sensitive about an issue you wind up making the other person feel that it’s a bigger deal than it is. (Compare “Whoops, you’ve got spinach in your teeth” with “Oh, um, I hate to mention this, you look great, but you’ve got, um – well, here’s my mirror, you can see for yourself.” Which approach would make you feel more self-conscious?)

Start off by saying his table manners don’t bother you and you’re always proud to be with him. Then point out that he does have some habits that may distract others from the pleasures of his company. You’ll know how to phrase this so that he’ll feel you’re sincere and not soft-soaping him. Ask him if said habits are something he’d like to work on. He might, unfortunately, prefer to continue eating like a starving pirate. If he does, let it go and teach yourself not to be embarrassed by his behavior. If he sees that you accept him regardless, he may come around; if not, you’ve at least avoided fighting about the issue.

My Word

Thanks to the anonymous reader who suggested this tip: People planning outdoor weddings should mention (on the invitation or in some other way) that the wedding will be alfresco, so that the fair-skinned or mosquito-attractive can lotion and spray up appropriately. Itchy, burning guests do not a happy wedding make. (Got an idea for “My Word”? Send it to missconduct@globe.com!)

Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a Cambridge-based writer with a PhD in psychology.