Picky, Picky, Picky . . . Icky!

My business partner has an offensive habit: He aggressively picks his nose, checks out his finger, then flicks the mucus on the floor. I’ve made a joke about it in the past, pointing out tissues, etc., but it hasn’t stopped the act. How can this be addressed seriously without insulting him – or do I even have a right to bring it up? I’m concerned he may do this in front of clients.
T.K. in Hanover

Do you have a right to bring this up? Are you serious? What, are you afraid you’re going to be infringing on his constitutionally protected entitlement to life, liberty, and the pursuit of big juicy boogers? By all means say something, and, since you’ve tried the subtle approaches and they didn’t work, be polite but direct about it. Point out that public nose picking is inexcusably bad form and that if he were ever to engage in this behavior in front of a client, you would be in serious danger of losing the deal. Even if you’re tolerant about the pick-and-flicks, it would be better for him to try to break himself of the habit entirely, so that he won’t inadvertently relapse during a major sales presentation.

Out of financial necessity, my fiance and I have decided to have a small wedding with 80 guests. Both of my parents come from large families – my father is one of 14 and my mom is one of 11 – and I’ve elected to invite the family members I talk to and see most frequently. As much as I would love to have everyone there, I simply can’t. How do I inform the rest that they aren’t invited? Can I send a card politely explaining that we cannot invite everyone, or would that look like a cheap plea for gifts?
A.B. in Allston

You’re hoping I can make this easy for you, but I can’t. You’re in a nasty bind, and I suspect no matter how you handle things, there will probably be some bad feelings floating about. So let’s back up and look at your options.

First of all, are you absolutely sure you can’t invite the entire family? Are there ways you can minimize expenses – by not serving alcohol or a full meal at the reception, by printing invitations yourself, by buying an ordinary “dress” dress rather than a wedding dress? The disappointment of not having everything the way you want it might be far less annoyance, over the long haul, than having to play emergency-room nurse to an endless parade of hurt feelings. Or, if your financial situation might open up more in the future, perhaps you could have an even smaller wedding now – with just immediate family – and then a larger reception, to which everyone is invited, later. Or you could invite only family to the wedding and no friends (it’s easier to make categorical exclusions than individual ones). You can celebrate with a big party for your friends at some other time.

Whatever you do, you absolutely cannot send a negative invitation. There is no polite way of saying, “Hi, we’re getting married, and you’re not invited. So sorry. Cheers!” If any of your relatives who might expect an invitation aren’t getting one, they deserve a phone call. “Who might expect an invitation” is a key phrase here. Cousin Janelle who is off studying cave paintings in Malaysia and hasn’t seen you since she was 3 probably won’t be offended when she hears about the impending nuptials from her folks.

But I am not a member of either of your families and can thus give only general advice. You and your fiance should talk to your parents or another trusted family confidant about how to handle the situation. You can’t possibly be the first person in your respective families who has ever had to deal with this; in a family that size, I doubt you’d be the first person to do anything, except perhaps study cave paintings in Malaysia.

I’m having a 40th birthday party for my husband at a microbrewery. About 20 people are invited. I can only afford to spend a certain amount, so I’m having a limited dinner menu that people can choose from. Is it appropriate to have a two-drink-per-person limit, or should I have a cash bar when people arrive and then pay for drinks during dinner? I don’t want to appear too cheap or tacky, but I have to work within a budget.
C.A. in Ashburnham

To host a party means to supply all the necessary means for entertainment, unless it’s an informal house potluck or BYOB. But you know that, don’t you? If you’re not willing to hold the party at a place where you can pay all the bills, I think your second option is better. Having a cash bar in advance and paying for the drinks during dinner suggests that the party, and therefore your role as hostess, begins when the guests sit down. If they choose to arrive early and buy a drink or two for themselves, that is their right, just as if they’d stopped off at the pub for a quick drink before attending a party at your house.

My Word
Many women feel uncomfortable walking past a construction site for fear of being harassed. I have always found that if I acknowledge the workers respectfully first, they will respond in kind. When approaching a site I usually wave and say, “Good morning, gentlemen!” This gets me a polite chorus of “good mornings” in return – no catcalls, whistles, or rude comments.

Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a Cambridge-based writer with a PhD in psychology.