Dealing With Potty Mouths

In the bathroom at work, women will stand around the sinks and chat for extended periods of time. It can be embarrassing while I go about my business. Is their behavior inappropriate? If so, is there anything I can do or say without seeming rude and overly sensitive?
M.M. in Marlborough
The general rule of shared bathrooms is “do what you need to do and get out.” Taking care of the usual needs, hand washing, and a moderate degree of grooming are appropriate. Holding an impromptu staff meeting or an intensive dissection of the latest managerial initiative is not. That said, your co-workers probably don’t mean to be rude. It seems that modern work life consists of an endless series of meetings during which one never manages to talk to the people one actually needs or wants to talk to. So a chance encounter over the washstand may seem like a serendipitous opportunity to finally clear up that problem with the McGuffin account or find a lunch date that works.

My advice would be to say nothing but a quick “Excuse me” while gently elbowing your way to the sink to wash your hands. You say their behavior makes you feel self-conscious. But would you feel any less so if everyone in the office got to know you as the bathroom-manners enforcer and then shut up, exchanged glances, and exited swiftly every time you entered the ladies’? I doubt it. Remind yourself that it’s your co-workers who are using the bathroom inappropriately, not you, so you have no reason to be embarrassed. Sometimes if you can teach yourself not to act embarrassed, after a while you don’t feel embarrassed. (This is a power that can be used for good or evil.)

One fairly close and wealthy out-of-state family member came to visit my first child while in the area on business. I thought it quite rude that she did not bring my daughter a gift. Every other visitor (including those who attended my baby shower) brought a present. Aren’t you always supposed to bring a new baby a gift during a first visit?
E.S. in Needham
No. Gifts are freely given; this is why we call them “gifts” instead of using a more draconian term such as taxes, tributes, or levies. It is a sweet custom to bring a gift for a new baby, but it is by no means required, because gifts by definition are never mandatory. Perhaps your wealthy relative is tired of having everyone expect presents from her because she has money. It is not a breach of etiquette to fail to bring a gift to a new baby, but it is a breach, and a serious one, to tell complete strangers that you have wealthy relatives and to complain about not getting goodies when you want them.

I have noticed with growing trepidation the large number of dogs at outdoor festivals. I usually have a grandchild in a stroller or walking beside me and am constantly on guard to protect the child from these dogs. I feel if a dog is not small enough to be carried and totally controlled, it should be kept at home. Some of my friends agree with me, but I can sense that some people feel I am out of touch. What do you think?
J.T. in Salisbury
Surely you aren’t suggesting that the presence of dogs is the only reason you are “constantly on guard” when taking a small child to a festival, are you? Wouldn’t you be vigilant even if the crowd were exclusively human and the event of the most wholesome variety?

Outdoor festivals are no place for anyone, human or animal, who cannot behave themselves, and both small children and dogs should be under constant supervision. But an even-tempered and well-trained dog can easily be kept under control without being kept in a purse, and the lucky owners of such dogs have the right to enjoy their company in public. An outdoor festival will, of course, attract undesirable dogs just as it will attract undesirable people. Handle both the same way: Move away without making a fuss, and if the situation seems dangerous rather than merely unpleasant, alert a police officer.

It sounds to me as though you are somewhat afraid of dogs, and while I sympathize with this, I would hate to see you transfer that fear to your grandchildren. Whether you approve of it or not, people will take their dogs wherever they are legally permitted to do so. The best thing you can do for your grandchildren is to school them in the basics of safety and manners when meeting strange dogs. Perhaps you have a dog-owning neighbor who can teach you how to read a dog’s body language and give your grandchildren practice in approaching a dog appropriately. Your grandkids will love this – children get quite puffed up when they feel they can competently navigate their environment. Along with all those happy memories of the festivals, you’d be giving them the right to boast, someday, “Oh, I know how to handle dogs. My Grandma/Grandpa taught me all about them.”
My Word
If you are an eager borrower of other people’s books, DVDs, or music, a useful habit is to keep a special shelf in your home for borrowed items. That way you’ll always know what you need to return. (And if you’re a frequent lender, it’s not a bad idea to keep a list of what’s been lent to whom.)Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a Cambridge-based writer with a PhD in psychology.