Follow the Bouncing Check
When you can't cash a wedding gift, plus newspaper tips and personal celebrations.
Old friends of mine attended my son’s recent wedding. Their gift, a check, came back as having insufficient funds. My son deposited it again, with the same results. Awkward doesn’t begin to describe the situation. I know that etiquette says gifts at weddings are not necessary, but since one was given (and we know they have the money), do we approach them, and how?
J.D. in Ipswich
Say something to your friends. You’re not demanding a wedding present; you’re alerting them to a situation that they ought to know about. Perhaps the bank has made a mistake, or one of them forgot to transfer funds to the account. The situation could cause them more serious problems.
You can’t smooth-talk your way out of this conversation, because it’s inherently awkward, so acknowledge the awkwardness upfront. Try something like this: “I feel so uncomfortable bringing this up, but the check you gave Ben and Lisa bounced twice. I just wanted you to know in case the bank made a mistake. They won’t try to deposit it again unless they hear from you.” Don’t get all flustery about it. With luck, your friend will say – similarly unflustered – “Oh, good grief, I forgot to make a deposit this month! Thanks for reminding me.”
I recently noticed that our monthly newspaper bill contains a space to enter a tip for our delivery person. We also regularly receive self-addressed envelopes from the deliverer inside our newspaper. Are these people paid a living wage? Or are subscribers expected to provide the difference between a low wage and necessary income? I don’t mind tipping, but it would be helpful to know what is expected of us.
P.B. in Somerville
Newspaper carriers aren’t like waiters and waitresses, who are paid below minimum wage on the assumption that tips will make up the difference. They are independent contractors who make approximately $200 to $300 per week. Most routes take about two to three hours to complete. The work of a newspaper carrier is designed to be a second income or a job for the retired or teenagers. So you don’t have to worry that by not tipping your paper person you are exploiting or imposing a tax burden on him or her.
Newspaper carriers vary in how persistent and creative they are about soliciting tips. They were quite creative back in the day, apparently. According to scholars Gerald McDonald, Stuart Sherman, and Mary Russo, newspaper carriers in the 18th and 19th centuries gave their customers printed verses on New Year’s Day, in which they commented on current events and requested tips, sometimes by painting vivid word pictures of the carrier’s hardships:
Bedouins of the street are they, tenting anywhere
Pitching camp upon the cobblestones
Braving rain and snow and sleet and winter’s chilly wind;
Lighting fires to warm their frozen bones.
I bet your carrier’s never given you anything quite that literary! At any rate, here in the 21st century, newspaper customers should give what they feel is appropriate regardless of when or how often the appeals come. Some people tip heavily at Christmas/New Year’s only (usually $10 to $30); some prefer to tip more sparingly year-round. A generous and easy-to-remember policy is to give $5 on the 25th of each month, including December.
After many years, I am completing a doctoral dissertation. It has been a long, hard road with a job, children, serious health problems, deaths in the family, etc. I am excited at the prospect of finishing and would love to celebrate with friends, family, and advisers. I was thinking about having a party (once I finish, of course!) to thank everyone who has helped me with this endeavor. Is it bad etiquette to arrange a celebration of my own accomplishment? If not, would it be OK to say on an invitation that the party is to thank them all for their support and indicate “no gifts, please” (or something similar)?
L.R. in Cambridge
First of all, Mazel tov! Getting through graduate school is not easy even in the best of circumstances. You have every right to be proud and happy about your accomplishment – and every right, as well, to invite those who saw you through it to celebrate with you. I think the party is a wonderful idea.
The only nitpick I have – you must be used to having your ideas nitpicked to death by now, aren’t you? – is that you shouldn’t say “no gifts” on the invitation. People aren’t likely to bring gifts, and if anyone does want to, I think you should accept them happily. You’ve worked hard: It’s time to relax and receive and to let those who want to be generous to you be so.
My Word
What professors wish everyone knew: Just because they only teach for a few hours a week doesn’t mean they only work for a few hours a week. They also have research, course preparation, grading, advising, committee meetings – oh, and that “summers off” thing doesn’t usually work out the way it sounds, either.
Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a Cambridge-based writer with a PhD in psychology. 