U.O.Me

I work at one of Boston’s major hospitals. A few weeks ago, a brain surgeon borrowed $20 from me because she left her wallet at home. I have seen her a dozen times since, and obviously she has forgotten that she owes me money. I know it’s only $20, but I am saving for a house and that $20 will do me for the week. What is the proper way to remind her, or should I just forget about it?
D.O. in Weymouth
It doesn’t matter that you’re saving for a house – you could use $20 bills to light your Cuban cigars, for all the doctor needs to know. The point is that it’s your money, and you want it back. So just ask her! You don’t need to either apologize or accuse. A simple “Hey, do you have that $20 I lent you last week?” will do. (Oh, the awful crampy pain of suppressing the “it’s not brain surgery” jokes.) And do ask her sooner rather than later, because if you mention it in six months, she’ll feel retroactively embarrassed that she’s been inadvertently stiffing you.

My wife is giving birth in a month. As with many parents-to-be, we want to be prepared for all the unlikely scenarios that we may face in the weeks preceding her delivery. One scenario that we haven’t quite worked out is who cleans up if her water breaks at work. Clearly, this is a signal of impending labor and her first reaction will be to make a mad dash for the exit, not grab a roll of paper towels. As much as I don’t think she should have to get down on her hands and knees with a scrub brush in this moment, it seems equally unfair for the cleaning crew or, even worse, her co-workers. Thoughts?
J.A. in Framingham
Take a little imaginary voyage with me here, J.A. Ready? Your wife is at the office and suddenly the great “Roll, Jordan, roll!” moment happens. She is shrieking with surprise, apprehension, and excitement. Co-workers rush to see what is happening. You are called. The hospital is called. Transportation is hurriedly arranged. News of the dramatic event wings down the corridors. She is escorted to the waiting vehicle by her colleagues, all anxiously inquiring how she feels and is she comfortable and reassuring her that everything will be all right, everything will be just fine. As the car speeds off, one co-worker turns to the other and says, “I can’t believe she didn’t clean that up. How rude.”

Does that seem a bit implausible to you? It does to me, too. When a medical emergency happens at work, it is generally cleaned up by someone other than the person to whom it happened. Such are the vicissitudes of life. If there is a cleaning crew, they will deal with it, and they will probably not find it any more disturbing than the leftover kung pao that’s been in the staff-room refrigerator since 2006. You and your wife could send a nice food package or some such to the office, with a note thanking everyone for their support at such a crucial moment. (This is all, you understand, in the unlikely event that her water does break at work, and that it is a dramatic flood rather than a discreet trickle.)

One morning on the bus, a woman was seated between the aisle and me. As the bus approached my stop, I politely excused myself. This woman said she was getting off at the same stop and refused to move. Apparently, she thought I should wait until she was ready to leave. When the bus stopped at a traffic light, I politely excused myself again. She barely moved as I squeezed myself between her and the seat in front. Shouldn’t she have let me leave when I wanted?
H.B. in Jamaica Plain
Yes, she should have. But then again, you should have let her remain seated for as long as she liked. Some people want to be all prepped and ready several stops in advance; others are happy to remain seated until there’s a particular reason to move. It is annoying to feel trapped in your seat; it is also annoying to have someone discombobulate you and push ahead to get off at the same stop at which you are disembarking.

Compared to the various sins that people commit on the subway and bus – not giving seats to the elderly, handicapped, or pregnant; talking loudly (on or off cellphones); taking up more than one seat; failing to observe stringent standards of personal hygiene – your seatmate’s recalcitrance was really quite a minor offense. Public transportation is inherently an exercise in learning to tolerate one another. If you give up the idea that the bus and subway are conveniences, and instead approach them as workshops in which you can improve your patience, compassion, and observational skills, you may find your commute much more endurable. What a nice feeling to arrive at the office with your daily spiritual exercise already accomplished!

My Word
Don’t be embarrassed if you realize or are told that you have been mispronouncing a word. All that means is that you read more than you ever heard when you were growing up – and such self-improvement is something to be proud of! (Or else it means you haven’t been paying attention to people, in which case, listen up, already.)

Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a Cambridge-based writer with a PhD in psychology.