A Case of the Disappearing Hostess
When party leaders go to bed, plus funeral attire and "f" bombs.
My friends and I are all in our late 20s and enjoy hanging out at one another’s houses on weekend nights. One friend and her husband had us over recently, and at about 10 p.m. she disappeared and went to bed! She never indicated to us that she was tired or that it was time to go. It wasn’t until about a half hour later that someone asked her husband where she was. He told us she had gone to bed but seemed to want us all to stay, so we did. Was it rude of us to stay after the hostess went to bed? Was it more rude of her to not excuse herself? What should we do if this happens again?
E.R. in Melrose
Oh, don’t worry so much. No one’s being all that rude and it’s no great emergency if your friend does the Lady Vanishes act again. She was committing the frequent and minor social sin of trying to avoid an awkward situation (“Off to bed! Please stay and enjoy yourselves!”) and in the process creating one even more awkward (“Where the devil is she?”). It’s not really bad etiquette so much as bad engineering or bad problem solving. At any rate, if she does it again, you’ll know where she is.
The notion of proper entertaining, of course, posits that both host and hostess will be awake and present throughout. Any event informal enough to be called “hanging out,” however, enjoys much greater flexibility than proper entertaining affords. Hosts and guests are free to improvise around their roles. There is no reason for one member of a couple to stay groggily conscious, gripping the table’s edge to remain upright, for the sake of being a good little zombie host or hostess. (It’s generous for sleepier spouses to encourage the party to continue, but they’re within their rights not to.)
The next time you see your tired friend, suss out whether she really did want you to stay. (Her husband’s statement that she “seemed” to should not be taken as sufficient evidence.) She may be a sound sleeper who’s happy to have someone else entertain her more nocturnal husband. Or she may have wanted privacy but felt too self-conscious to ask for it. If she seems embarrassed, remind her of the sacred oath of hanging out: “Whatever.” It’s her house, and she can do as she likes.
What is the proper attire for a wake and funeral during summer months? Can you wear sandals or short pants? If you wear a dress, must you wear nylons? Can you wear colors other than black? I have asked various people and received many different responses, depending on which generation I consult. E.G. in Marshfield
You can’t go wrong with a sober dress or skirt suit for women and a summer suit or jacket and trousers, with tie, for men. Black or other dark colors are good but not required, unless you are in an official capacity as an usher or pallbearer. Don’t wear anything festive; this would rule out capri pants for women and seersucker suits for men. (If the very name of the style or fabric makes you smile when you say it, it’s a wee bit giddy for a funeral.) Stockings are appropriate and closed-toe shoes are better than sandals. Women should wear sleeves or a wrap, even in summer.
The thing to keep in mind isn’t specific dos and don’ts, however, but to show your respect for the solemnity of the occasion without drawing attention to yourself. If the deceased’s family members remember later that you were at the funeral, supporting them with genuine affection, kind words, and perhaps a gift of flowers, food, or a charitable donation – and cannot for the life of them recall what you wore – then you dressed, and behaved, beautifully.
My 26-year-old stepson consistently uses profane and often vulgar language – every other word out of his mouth is the “F” word – regardless of the fact that my husband has spoken to him about how offensive and disrespectful it is, especially in mixed company. He is aware that it offends me but continues to speak this way. Any advice on how I can get him to stop?
G.S. in Webster
I don’t think you can change the way he talks. I’m not saying his behavior is appropriate; it isn’t (although the problem isn’t using profanity in mixed company; it’s using it in front of people who don’t indulge in colorful language themselves). But he has been told you find it offensive and has decided not to stop. Either he wants to offend you, doesn’t believe that anyone could be genuinely offended by profane language, or is having a harder time than you realize breaking the habit. You are in a position to choose to turn this into a power struggle or let it go. I’d advise the latter. If your stepson is that cavalier about offending you, your relationship can probably use some work. Try paying more attention to what he’s saying and less to the words he uses, and see if he cleans up his act after a while.
My Word
If you teach your children the American Sign Language gesture for “Thank you,” you can alert them when they need to express appreciation without embarrassing them with an overt “Thank Aunt Amanda for the sweater!” This is more comfortable and face-saving for your child, yourself, and the recipient alike. (Thanks to reader Karen Creegan for this brilliant tip. Have a good idea of your own? Send it to missconduct@globe.com.)
Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a Cambridge-based writer with a PhD in psychology. 