Mary Poppins on Repeat

We’ve had a nanny for a couple of years, and she will call either my wife or me at work nearly every day – sometimes several times a day – under the cover of speaking about our child or something that has gone on at our home. The only problem is that usually when she calls, she unleashes a nonstop monologue concerning whatever is on her mind and allows no opening to politely ask her to stop. We’re sympathetic to the fact that she is around children all day and may want to speak to an adult, and we absolutely think she does an amazing job, but we need a nice way to tell her we need to get off the phone and go back to work.

D.K. in Cambridge

My dog, the beloved Milo, is a rather enthusiastic little fellow, and his trainer taught me a technique for working with him that I’ve found useful with humans as well. It’s called “matching the energy.” When Milo is orbiting about in a barking frenzy over a nearby squirrel, it does no good to call him off with soothing gentleness or stern authority. He is in his Excited Place and literally cannot hear you. Instead, you have to get his attention by matching his energy and saying in a loud, excited voice things like: “Good boy! Come here, yeah, that’s it! What a good dog! Look at me! Who’s a good boy? Let’s go! Let’s go!” And Milo, convinced at this point that you get it, you truly understand the cosmic import of his lifelong crusade against the bushy-tailed invaders, will happily trot off with you.

It works sometimes, anyway, and it’s much easier than playing against him. And, as I said, it can also work with people. Those of us lower on the enthusiasm/loquacity scale often make the mistake of trying to tone others down by toning down even further ourselves. They go up, we go down. This can make those who are chatting with – or at – us put even more effort and enthusiasm into getting a reaction. A more effective technique with some folks can be to match their energy and exit the conversation on a high note: “My goodness, that is so funny. We’ll have to talk more later. I’ve got to run right now – talk soon – goodbye!”

If this technique is just not you or if it doesn’t work, then it’s time for a (two-way) talk with your nanny. Let her know that you think she’s fantastic, but tell her that you can’t take such long calls at work. Position it as a constraint that you are under, not as something she’s doing wrong. You wish you had more time to hear about the kids during the day, but you just don’t, and you wanted to let her know in case you had to be rude and interrupt her, and you hope she’ll forgive you in advance if that happens.

A friend is having a baby, and I’m fairly certain she will ask me to be the child’s godmother. Although I am fond of this friend, I am reluctant to christen another child. I have several godchildren already. I don’t want to hurt my friend’s feelings, but I am nervous about how she will react if I refuse. Is there a polite way to do so?

S.H. in Cambridge

Whatever you do, don’t get so nervous that you make an end run and decline before you’re asked. There’s a faux pas the relationship wouldn’t recover from quickly.

If she does ask, I think you should be as open as possible about your thoughts and feelings. You will have rejected your friend and need to offer her some intimacy to help repair that rejection. Tell her, as much as is the case, that you truly would have wished to be this child’s godmother, but you take the commitments you already have seriously and don’t think that you could take on the responsibility of another godchild.

There is always the chance that your friend’s feelings will be hurt no matter how sincere and gentle you are; be prepared to accept and apologize for that and hold your ground.

Can you clear this up one last time? My son is getting married next year. What is the expected role of the parents of the groom? I know that historically the groom’s parents host the rehearsal dinner and the bride’s parents pay for everything else. We want to do the right thing, but we don’t want to offend anyone either.

B.M. in Dedham

If you don’t want to offend anyone, B.M., the thing to do is to talk to them – “them” being all those relevant anyones – not to me. What is important isn’t what tradition dictates, but what everyone involved in the happy event is comfortable with. Talk to your son and his fiancee about the kind of wedding they have planned, and then talk to your future in-laws about how you can each contribute to the event in ways that make sense given everyone’s budget, cultural traditions, personal values, and the like. You’re becoming one family now, and it’s better to get practice communicating and working together than to rely unthinkingly on rules and tradition.

Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a Cambridge-based writer with a PhD in psychology.